Man is just another animal and is subject to the same laws of Nature as any other animal. Evolution rewards those best fit for survival—whether they be physically strong or capable of outsmarting their contestants—by allowing these specimens to produce offspring. The laws of Nature affect individual species differently and become manifest as widely varying strategies for survival. The human animal belongs to a group of species whose evolutionary strategy tends to moderately favor attempts to prevent other males in the flock from mating with a female, both through social competition and at a biological level by means of sperm cell competition and a penis whose shape has evolved to eject the semen of other males.
Primitive Man did not know this, and the Devil wryly notes that Man for the most part still is and doesn’t. Social rules had somehow evolved to demand that women become the property of specific males; that was just how it was and always had been as far as humans were concerned. The human brain did not evolve in order to understand Nature but to survive in it, and is thus incentivized to formulate guidelines for survival in terms that the brain can easily process, not in terms of what makes actual sense: the language of the brain is symbols not facts; it is religious. Religious answers are simple, easy to understand, and wrong, but from an evolutionary perspective “right” is not called for. The brain does not seek natural explanations for phenomena that appear axiomatic, such as social structures, when “that’s what the gods demand” suffices. Early law and order was religious, and although Satan hates to admit it, He thinks that probably it was the best early Man could accomplish in the absense of genuine insight.
Satan can relate to the desire to keep one’s piece of (pointed) tail nearby for easy access to sex, but He suspects that there may be another, bitter motivation to keep one’s conquest out of the reach of challengers: pain, infertility, birth defects, and death. The human animal had a relatively long lifespan even in ancient times and was thus considerably harmed by diseases that have less impact on shorter-lived species. For example, a cancer developing over the span of a few years is inconsequential to a rat, which breeds and dies of natural causes before the disease becomes disabilitating, but may be deadly to a human being. Humans knew nothing about the biological causes of the diseases that struck them; they just knew that they were bad and hence evil. They could only struggle to learn preventive behavioral heuristics and on rare occasions identify natural antidotes but more often potions and rituals with adversarial effect or none at all: they were believed to ward off evil and once having done that, little could be done save wait and see how much damage the demons had done to their hosts.
A few heuristics were effective, however. Sexually transmitted diseases are easily prevented through sexual abstinence, either entirely or by keeping the number of sexual partners low. In fact, if the Devil had wished to prevent the spread of STDs, He would have recommended a strategy of abstinence, too. Such a thought would never cross His mind, however, as it runs counter to His demand for perversion and debauchery; besides, in Hell, we are exposed to all curses imaginable, and a full array STDs are but a minor welcome package which is routinely handed out to the newly damned souls when we pass the gates into our infernal empire. It makes perfect sense to Satan that primitive Man would recommend a ban on widespread sexual activity as a means to keep the demons of STD at bay and encode such a ban into their social, and hence religious, laws: sexual abstinence would be required by the gods, and sinners who broke the law would soon find themselves tormented by evil spirits as it began to hurt when they urinated. Satan likes the idea that He has thus been partly instrumental in the evolutionary establishment of the aforementioned social rules, sexist or not.
Satan imagines that the STD view may explain the aversion to homosexual activity in some religions, too. Homosexuality does not jeopardize the social structure by creating illegitimate children and would seem an obvious outlet for recreational sex, and has indeed been practiced in some societies for that very reason. Unrestricted recreational sex increases the risk of contracting an STD, however, and it is fair to assume that some societies eventually concluded that homosexuality was an agent of genital inflammation, and hence an abomination worthy of the flames of Hell.
The Devil contemplates that religious bans on sexual activity might once have been a necessary evil and not the attempt to control a population via feelings of guilt that some critics of religion suggest—although the ancient emergency solution cum religious rule eventually proved remarkably effective at that. Religion may once have played an important role in containing STD outbreaks, but today mankind masters birth control and contraceptives, and recreational sex poses virtually no risk as long as condoms are used. Most STDs are easily treated and medicine renders even the deadly HIV virus harmless and impotent. Science once again obsoletes religion, and today there is no excuse against the recreational sex that most humans long for except conservative, religious sentiments.
The Devil no longer looms over the lovers’ bed. Sex needs no longer be accompanied with fear of the gods and shame for breaking the divine rules. Satan thinks that true emancipation from the religious yoke involves recreational sex with no worries. He finds no reason to be associated with sexual activity or sexual identity, including “deviant” forms such as LGBT and whichever alphabet soup gets appended. Old Nick can fully sympathize with the queer or transgender boy who seeks comfort under His scaled wings, but the Devil thinks that such a need reveals inculcated shame that the fellow should first work to ignore. Anyone is welcome among His followers but Satan hopes for deeper reasons than belonging to a sexual minority or thinking that Marquis de Sade is kinky. Satan wants people to be comfortable with their particular sexuality and refuse to let the herd define it, be that through social prejudice against certain sexualities or by following a fad such as the sudden bisexual female trend in the early 21st century where women inspired by Hollywood-managed lipstick-bisexual artists declared themselves bisexual in droves. Sexual curiosity, inspiration, and experimentation is fine, compulsion less so.
“Look,” says Satan, “humans think wearing lace and leather and slapping their partner’s butt would make me raise an eyebrow, but come on. Anglerfish sex involves the male partner attaching himself onto the female and fusing into her, feeding on her as a parasite until he releases his sperm. Flatworms are hermaphrodites and will fight in order to choose their sex during mating. Snails stab each other during sex. Female praying mantis and female black widow spiders are notorious for their tendency to kill and eat their mates. Now there’s some grounds for invoking my name.” Satan thinks humans should realize that their mating habits are utterly uninteresting, and He sometimes wonders how humans are capable of mating at all considering their inability to find a comfortable sex position.
Satan thinks that as long as His followers identify themselves with Him merely because of their sexuality, they probably have a long journey ahead of them before they escape the clutches of religion.