Satanic Sins

Satan thinks His stupid followers need help

Posted on by A lesser demon

Dumb people are usually unaware of their own stupidity and therefore would never seek or heed any advice marketed as aid for the imbeciles. Satan is nonetheless willing to offer it, because some idiot might accidentally stumble upon it and take it to heart. Stupidity is the cardinal Satanic sin but it takes a smart person to recognize a dunce and put him in the corner where he belongs. Surround yourself instead with sub-standard peers and none will know your limitations.

Satan thinks that if you are dim of wit and a member of His church, then you are in good company. The following guidelines will ensure that your stupidity goes unchallenged.

Be Loyal

Unswerving loyalty is one of the few things stupid people do well. Smart people question all things and often find the answers wanting. Dumb people are not prone to skepticism and lack the capacity to spot inconsistencies and mistakes. It is called unquestioning loyalty for a reason, and it is in high demand. Any organization needs dutiful footsoldiers who require little training and can be paid off with a little praise and a degree.

Loyalty is surprisingly easy in the Satanic arena if you heed a few rules:

Never admit mistakes, inconsistencies, or contradictions in any of your scripture or anything spoken from your founders, leaders, and their close associates. They have their high degrees for a reason (even if the reason is camaraderie), and degrees are equivalent to prowess. Scripture is sacred. If someone disagrees, then it is because they are stupid or because they are not Satanists. We will get to that later.

Keep yourself up to date on news from your organization. Visit its web site daily. If you locate any new content, repost it immediately on the social media. You are not required to quote anything; just post a link to the content.

People who left your organization are disloyal. If you mention them, make sure to stress that either they realized that they did not belong, or the organization had to expel them. It is entirely a question about their character. The organization is flawless in such matters.

Always “like” any post made by a member of your organization who has a degree or speaks positively about your organization or its higher-level clergy. You should also dislike anything a detractor says, but beware: some social media lump likes and dislikes into one, thus counting all as attention. Apply the “dislike” action only if it reduces the number of likes.

Make It All About You

As a stupid person, the only thing you may reasonably claim expertise in is yourself. Do not worry that observers of people such as psychologists, sociologists, or anthropologists may have deeper insight into your mind than you, because they will not be talking with you but about you (and then, usually it is not even you as a person but you as a category).

Anton LaVey made it clear in The Satanic Bible that self-gratification, self-interest, and self-preservation are essential to Satanism. None of these imply narcissism—as a matter of fact, narcissism is indicative of a fragile self which compensates with the delusion that it is superior and thus entitled to vampirize others for approval and praise. Narcissism can nonetheless work wonders for you if you are stupid, because a grand display of pretentiousness can temporarily relieve you of the gnawing awareness of your inadequacy.

You do not need creative skills. Just write a few terse lines of text in a Satanic forum on the social media about, for example, how you are (again) one month sober thanks to your outstanding Satanic sense of self-preservation, or how you noticed someone looking odd at you this afternoon but knew that as a Satanist you were his better. It does not even have to mention the ‘S’ word. If some disaster struck a town in your neighboring state and caught media attention, then make it about you: you feel for them, but fortunately you are okay.

Do not be afraid to play the victim provided the guilty party is someone other Satanists can readily denounce. Most Satanists will overlook your obvious cry for pity as they feel violated by proxy. Nothing builds sympathy and unity in a herd than the sense of a shared enemy.

Believe Everyone Is Stupid

If you get into an argument with a smart person, you will probably not understand his arguments, explanations, and analyses. Do not let this deter you. Your inability to understand will make it seem to you that they are stupid for making statements whose relevance escapes you or drawing conclusions based on logic that you cannot follow. Therefore, just say so. They seem stupid to you, and they will seem equally stupid to others who share your two-digit IQ and whom you should aim to impress.

Your lifetime of experience and your years failing in school have taught you that if an aspect of some topic seems wrong, it is because you do not adequately comprehend. Trust that this naturally applies to everyone else. Therefore, if someone spots an error in your scripture or elsewhere, it is not because there is a flaw but because he does not understand. Ignore that little voice in the back of your head which may tell you that your inability to recognize the error even when explained could mean they understand something that you cannot. Expect instead that they are slow to understand when they keep identifying what seems to them to be flaws and absurdities; they merely display many more examples of an inability to comprehend than yourself: it is therefore they who do not understand. It is they who are dumb.

Again, that is what you should say. Insist (but do not otherwise argue) that whichever issue the smart person has chosen to engage, there is no problem with that issue. There are no contradictions, no mistakes, no ambiguities, etc. to those who are intelligent enough. The fact that you do not know that you don’t know provides you with the distinct advantage that you will rarely feel prompted to ask the questions that reveal it.

Remember You Are the Satanist

Being the Satanist while the other isn’t provides you with the power of knowing you are something special. That is what attracted you to Satanism in the first place, after all: to gain an illusion of being special.

Remember: being a Satanist grants you permission to pretend that everything you do is Satanic. Few people will reflect on your narrative and realize that it is not inherently Satanic if everyone does it, and the few that ponder will be both too polite to say it and sufficiently self-aware to know that such criticism would expose themselves, too.

Since you are the Satanist, anyone who disagrees with you is therefore by default not a Satanist. Satan cautions that occasionally the person happens to be a member of your organization, and you must then pay attention to degrees. Research whether the person has a higher or a lower degree than yourself. (Such research is usually soon complete because normally they have announced themselves already.) If the person’s degree is lower or the same, stand your ground; do not argue, just repeat yourself. If the person has a higher degree than yourself, the fix is easy. Simply tell them you agree fully and that they make an excellent point, and do not fall for the temptation to argue your previous position.

You joined the alien élite. It is evidence of a destitute character when a pretender who thinks he is a Satanist refuses to join the élite or even joins another organization thinking it can possibly be Satanic. Never hestitate to remind them that they are not Satanists. They chose to advertise their shortcomings by turning their back on the one true Satanism, and they want you to remind them because they are masochists.

Use Your Faith

You were probably raised as a Christian, and Satan recommends that you secretly stick with that faith. Satan would not normally provide such advice, but He is not considering the average Joe here. He is trying to assist the subnormal Bubba, and that calls for unconventional measures. Dumb people must do with what they have, and cannot rely on learning new tricks. If this means sticking to what they did as Christians, then so be it.

It means you should stay as zealous and cocksure of your new-found faith as you were of your past faith, and otherwise not change a thing about yourself. Remember: you discovered that Satanism is the thing you always were, and now is not the right time to worry that the most plausible explanation for this is that you merely spiced up your Christianity with a new name. Stay every bit as hypocritical, arrogant, intolerant, and toxic now as you were then, because all the other Christians who replaced their crosses with Baphomet medallions will immediately recognize you as family.

Your faith provided you with universally applicable axioms. For example, you can transfer your former respect for your reverend to your new reverends (or “warlocks”) and regard them as the authorities you always had, and your past means you will be good at it. You have probably replaced your paintings of Jesus with a portrait of Anton LaVey already, because the principal element remains people you can worship.

Adhere strongly to your “us versus them” mindset. You knew that your denomination were the elect, or at least had the potential, whereas those who preferred a different form of Christianity had lesser worth as human beings. If someone belongs to another group, you know you are his better.

Continue to quote scripture at others, preferably out of the blue. Your fellow Christians-in-spirit will appreciate it. Stick to the officially approved scripture, however. It can be embarassing to quote apocryphal scripture written by people who left your church and are now classified as people who were never really Satanists.

You were an outstanding Christian once, because a true Christian is the one that behaves like a real Christian not the mythological nice folks that they claim to be. Christianity is what you do best, so use it to its fullest potential. Keeping with your previous behavior means you have finally accepted being the Christian you always were, and there is peace in that.

This all may seem like a mouthful, but you will notice that there is significant overlap between the instructions. Especially the last section ties it all neatly together.

Satan thinks none of His laws matter

Posted on by A lesser demon

Old Nick has provided a few lists for those of His followers that are either too lazy or too busy to study proper Satanic etiquette in detail. Yet He finds that neither The 9 Satanic Statements, The 11 Rules of the Earth, nor The 9 Satanic Sins are heeded by His disciples. This baffles The Gentleman, because with so many followers who claim that they were born not made, Satan would expect them to naturally represent the Statements, follow the Rules, and refrain from the Sins even if they had never read them.

They even get confused or offended when they encounter the rare person who exhibits several of the traits that Satan represents, or when someone calls them out on their omissions of traits or their transgressions of the Satanic Rules of the Earth.

Satan is relieved that other religions are filled with hypocrites, because in all other religions virtually any deviation from their requirements is for the better. (His own religion is an exception, of course, because its only flaw is the kind of people it attracts. Satan will not accept hypocrisy within His own ranks.) There are people outside of the Devil’s ranks who consistently obey every rule in His book but the Devil’s followers ostensibly cannot grasp such qualities unless they are accompanied by the Infernal name. And, if so, only if it is the right kind of Satanist, and only if the person withholds such behavior while in their presence lest they get subjected to Satanic reality.

Satan once thought His disciples had turned the “Golden Rule” upside-down: “do to others what you would not have them do to you”—thereby behaving very much how those who preach the Golden Rule conduct themselves in practice. But His followers do not even behave against others according to the Devil’s instructions. God forbid (not to ask you to excuse my French; Satan thinks that God is really the culprit here) that Satan’s followers behave as Satanists or be exposed to any who do.

The disciples of The Evil One make all kinds of excuses: that the Satanic Statements and the Rules of the Earth are helpful suggestions that one may cherry-pick as they benefit oneself. Or that interaction on the internet is somehow not part of the real world so therefore the Rules do not apply. Or that the Statements, Rules, and Sins describe an ideal world (Old Scratch cannot help hearing this as “Paradise”) not the current one.

Satan thinks many of His followers may not have understood what they got themselves into. They desire freedom for themselves but shun the accountability that comes with it. They want privileges but refuse responsibilities. They feel entitled but have not earned the prerogative. They reserve the right to strike but complain at the slightest touch.

Satan thinks they secretly treasure another religion: one that claims that its followers turn the other cheek. One that contends unconditional love. One that relieves them of responsibility because they can blame their behavior on non-existing externalities. One that provides them with the herd that they need. The one that they were raised with.

Satan thinks His church’s Nine Statements got replaced

Posted on by A lesser demon

The Devil has not paid much attention lately to the membership procedures of His various churches, temples, synagogues, and whichever other chapels, cloisters, cathedrals, and convents have become dedicated to Him. He remembers that in the days before the Internet someone would locate the P. O. Box address of The Church of Satan in San Francisco, submit a membership application together with a cashier’s check for some $50 or $75, and then after several months would receive a cheapskate membership card and become member number 100261. Satan has not investigated how, say, His temple processes its membership applications but expects it to be similar and maybe with a little more expedient interest in its members. Satan does not issue membership cards Himself; He prefers the tried and tested tradition of branding the damned with hot irons when they enter through the gates of Hell.

The Church of Satan would provide a xeroxed welcome package containing a welcome note, The 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth, The Nine Satanic Statements, an opinion that no other groups can possibly be Satanic, and maybe a few other sheets with information that the Devil’s church considered pertinent to new members.

But a few decades ago Satan thinks something must have gone askew in the printing process, because judging from the behavior of His church and its members, it seems that the headings of The 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth and The Nine Satanic Sins have been switched, making the Sins the new Rules, and vice versa. Satan is not certain where the Nine Satanic Statements went but they appear to have been replaced with the following document:

THE NINE SATANIC STATEMENTS 1. Satan represents pettiness, instead of ignoring that which you need not care about! 2. Satan represents bigoted attitudes, instead of appreciating common goals! 3. Satan represents selective factoids, instead of honest study! 4. Satan represents self-righteousness, instead of giving credit where due! 5. Satan represents envious belittling, instead of doing something yourself! 6. Satan represents kindness to people whom you agree with, instead of respect for your betters! 7. Satan represents man as just another herd animal, never smarter, always more stupid than those who walk to the slaughter on all-fours, who, because he "joined the first organization" has become the most herd-minded of them all! 8. Satan represents committing all of the Satanic sins, as they all lead to smugness! 9. Satan represents your annoying uncle Arnold at the family reunion, because He keeps the discussion going about republican politics every year!