All who dwell in any circle of Hell agree that Lucifer, the Morning Star, is the most magnificent being in the Cosmos. We agree so strongly because it is true and especially because everyone who dissented found themselves disposed to accidentally falling into boiling sulfur, being crushed by falling rocks of molten brimstone, or otherwise being exterminated to give Social Darwinism a helpful hand. Satan denies that there is any similarity between Hell’s policy on that matter and common earthly Christian practice. Our infernal corporate values state that we are naturally drawn toward The Prince of Darkness whereas, clearly, His sworn opponent demands that humans love him against their better judgment.
Satan thinks humans are secretly drawn to Him as much as we demons are, except demons have been carefully conditioned through negative reinforcement to display our affection with great enthusiasm. Human souls may hide their true essences in the Earthly realm, but faced with His prodigious pulchritude, all souls surface. Christians may preach the love of one’s neighbor even if the person is generally disagreeable but will show themselves fully and passionately capable of capping the reach of Christian so-called “love” if said neighbor identifies with The Diabolically Supreme. Even impassioned atheists often experience a total recall of their Christian weltanschauung and reveal their true colors when they encounter a genuine follower of my Master. Jesus may have claimed to be the fisher of men, but Satan is the master magician angler’s legendary lure that draws every would-be Christian out of their hiding spots.
However, Old Nick recently mentioned that He is getting too old for this game and fears that Heaven may not be prepared to receive the vast number of Christians that He calls out of their closets. It seems to Him that there is no shortage of Christians in hiding. Even His very own Church of Satan is amassing a worrisome number of people who react to His presence for the wrong reasons. The name Lucifer appeals to many a rising star—Satan’s term for individuals who remain low above the horizon—who choose to assemble below His banner, and Satan thinks that many may have fallen prey to Christian propaganda about His pacts. Satan, or Satanism, will never offer powers and riches, regardless of what Christian indoctrination and Anton LaVey’s The Satanic Bible alike promise in His name. Nevertheless, the appeal of lazy entitlement in return for a Christian soul as non-cents payment has baited plenty of unworthy underachievers into the ranks of the Devil. Satan thinks Anton LaVey provided Christianity at a discount for worthless souls.
Satan thus finds that His would-be followers in His Church of Satan cannot cope with genuine diabolism. They choose His name but remain thoroughly loyal to their original values inculcated around their mothers’ knees and in their religious communities. Whenever they are confronted with non-Christian values or meet groups who, in the spirit of the early Church of Satan, openly flash their horns and declare themselves allies of the Devil in the pursuit of happiness and freedom, they sulk and demand that demonic attitudes be kept privately, or they pride themselves of hiding their Satanic identities when they (rarely) support faith-agnostic programs. Whenever a humanistic movement dares to invoke the Devil in its pursuit of humanistic values, they demand that the group comply with Christian expectations lest “someone gets hurt” or other excuse designed to demand Christian conformity. Whenever someone confronts the Church of Satans’s crybullies(*) according to their own rules about engaging bothersome people, they play the victim.
Satan thinks that His modern churchgoers are lured toward Him in the very same manner as traditional Christians and for the same reasons. However, they are as easily recognized as ever: they cannot cope with genuine diabolical action and revert to their programmed core in an instant when confronted with a Satanic presence. They will jump out of their closets with their crucifixes against their hearts and sing with the Christian choirs at the first sighting of a real-life demon.
Satan thinks that if any of His followers persistently find themselves agreeing with Christians, then that is what they are. They should scrap their fake horns and scurry back to the church that conceived them.
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(*) Crybully (n): a group or an individual who engages in: “abuse, slander, hate speech, and persecution,” but when they receive pushback: “figuratively recoil into a fetal position, believing they are a victim.”