Anton LaVey once defined Satan as a great car, among other things of pleasure and materialism. While His Satanic Excellency prefers to think of Himself as more sophisticated than the items on LaVey’s list, it is true that Satan delights in driving a quality automobile.
The Devil is no speed demon, as some may have inaccurately believed, and is drawn towards cars that radiate business in the professional sense rather than sports cars or flashy cars. His Infernal Majesty is usually found behind the wheel of a Lexus or a Mercedes Benz as is appropriate for a gentleman of His age group.
It is during His frequent business trips from Hell and back that Satan has observed a peculiar phenomenon among human drivers: whenever a car has a “fish” sticker on it (a symbol used by Christians), its owner’s driving skills are below par, and Satan has learned to maintain an additional safety distance to any car that is decorated with this emblem. The unpredictability of vehicle fatalities became lamentably clear when His Wickedness arranged for a car accident only to decapitate the wrong victim in the Jayne Mansfield incident, for example. The last thing The Fallen Angel wishes is again to be cast from His seat, this time not by the “Almighty” himself but through the recklessness of one his disciples driving a Toyota Corolla.
Satan first hypothesized that the fish sticker was meant to warn that something fishy is ahead because a Christian should never be trusted, but soon dismissed the idea. Christians never warn against their ill intentions but instead cloak them with words of “neighborly love” intended to lure unsuspecting prey into their mental and often financial traps.
The Devil currently favors two hypotheses that may both be true.
The first one is that people who slap herring badges onto their automobiles presumably disagree with the Satanic tenet of vital existence where one keeps focus on the road—both in the figurative sense of doing what is best for oneself and in an acutely literal sense in traffic. Satan thinks these people drive as if their minds are elsewhere. They may be preoccupied with guilt, planning their next move towards salvation, desiring some male love of Jesus, or whatever Christians have on their minds; whichever it is, it seems to inhibit their attention towards other road users.
The second hypothesis might sound a little Freudian but Satan is not yet posed to dismiss it: any religion that upholds that death yields gratification, vindication, or happiness, or in any other sense advocates the just-world belief that suffering will eventually be compensated with corresponding comfort, is a death cult. Satan thinks that maybe drivers who flaunt their death wish cult membership may subconsciously be driven (or driving) toward death, thus leading to more accident-prone behavior.
And so Satan thinks you should not only drive carefully and wear your seatbelts, as is always advised, but also beware of drivers whose vehicles display fish stickers and often a few dents to boot.