Month: April 2019

Satan thinks His church’s Nine Statements got replaced

Posted on by A lesser demon

The Devil has not paid much attention lately to the membership procedures of His various churches, temples, synagogues, and whichever other chapels, cloisters, cathedrals, and convents have become dedicated to Him. He remembers that in the days before the Internet someone would locate the P. O. Box address of The Church of Satan in San Francisco, submit a membership application together with a cashier’s check for some $50 or $75, and then after several months would receive a cheapskate membership card and become member number 100261. Satan has not investigated how, say, His temple processes its membership applications but expects it to be similar and maybe with a little more expedient interest in its members. Satan does not issue membership cards Himself; He prefers the tried and tested tradition of branding the damned with hot irons when they enter through the gates of Hell.

The Church of Satan would provide a xeroxed welcome package containing a welcome note, The 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth, The Nine Satanic Statements, an opinion that no other groups can possibly be Satanic, and maybe a few other sheets with information that the Devil’s church considered pertinent to new members.

But a few decades ago Satan thinks something must have gone askew in the printing process, because judging from the behavior of His church and its members, it seems that the headings of The 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth and The Nine Satanic Sins have been switched, making the Sins the new Rules, and vice versa. Satan is not certain where the Nine Satanic Statements went but they appear to have been replaced with the following document:

THE NINE SATANIC STATEMENTS 1. Satan represents pettiness, instead of ignoring that which you need not care about! 2. Satan represents bigoted attitudes, instead of appreciating common goals! 3. Satan represents selective factoids, instead of honest study! 4. Satan represents self-righteousness, instead of giving credit where due! 5. Satan represents envious belittling, instead of doing something yourself! 6. Satan represents kindness to people whom you agree with, instead of respect for your betters! 7. Satan represents man as just another herd animal, never smarter, always more stupid than those who walk to the slaughter on all-fours, who, because he "joined the first organization" has become the most herd-minded of them all! 8. Satan represents committing all of the Satanic sins, as they all lead to smugness! 9. Satan represents your annoying uncle Arnold at the family reunion, because He keeps the discussion going about republican politics every year!

Satan thinks Easter is a display of schadenfreude and irresponsibility

Posted on by A lesser demon

Satan thinks that the celebration of Easter has one significant redeeming quality in spite of being a dedication to His mortal foe: by irrationally making its celebration date dependent on the Vernal Equinox and the lunar phase, it became necessary to devise a system for predicting the date so that normally functioning people could make plans. Hence, this most important computation of the age motivated significant advances in mathematics.

As any Christian who paid minimal attention to their mythology should be capable of informing you, Easter is the celebration that Jesus took upon him all the sins of Mankind and was executed to henceforth absolve all his future followers of their sins. Granted, one would think that Jesus would also have absolved his contemporary followers of their sins now he was at it, but historically speaking, these followers appear to have been a small Jewish cult who regarded themselves as the only true Jews and considered Jesus to be their king who would become the ruler of Judea within their lifetime. Presumably they received a quite different message when they saw their “king” nailed to a post like any other local nationalist who opposed the Roman regime. Satan personally has no problem with the death of Jesus, and would gladly have pushed him into the harbor and made it look like an accident. As far as Old Nick is concerned, Good Friday was the best.

By the Old Testament and its accompanying scripture, which was the Law, “sin” meant crime, and to be absolved of sin was to be pardoned of crime. Christians even today consider themselves to be sinners and thus “criminals” if not in a modern, legal sense then in the eyes of their god. So they consider themselves criminals, and what is Easter to them? It is a ceremony where, without a trace of guilt or regret, they pin their own crimes on Jesus and celebrate that he was tortured to death for them, rejoicing that they evaded judgment, penance, and repair for their wrongdoings.

The Devil is no stranger to backstabbing, arrangement of judicial murder, and passing of blame, and has no warm feelings for Jesus, but is nonetheless alarmed at this display of self-righteousness and disregard of responsibility that the Christian Easter festival represents. Satan can barely think of anything as irresponsible and filled with schadenfreude as the Christian celebration of Easter, and He thinks it speaks volumes about the character of Christian people.

Satan thinks belief in gods is counter-democratic

Posted on by A lesser demon

Gods are powerful beings that have the authority to define human value, to determine human rights, and to reward and punish any human decision. The gods stand above humans, and allow humans no influence; Man may pray for help and beg for mercy but cannot conclude or decide. Regardless of what humans choose, gods can overrule it. No human opinion stands above that of the gods. The gods always have the final say in human affairs.

Humans who believe in gods believe that the intentions of the gods outweigh human sentiments; they believe that any human opinion can be ignored or rejected because the views of the gods must be respected. And when the gods remain curiously silent, the clerical representatives of the gods will happily explain which of their personal opponents’ opinions should be overruled in favor of the gods—who conveniently always happen to agree with whatever their priests and followers want.

All gods are man-made but believers do not know this. In their self-centered world-view they also fail to recognize that the opinions of their gods are but their own opinions assigned divine authority. Satan wants His followers to be their own gods but it is instead believers who manage to play that role. With their God in their hands, they claim the right to ignore the opposing opinions of others regardless of majority. Should public support of a decision approved of by the believers wane, the believers will claim that their gods demands that it be sustained. And should support of their favored, elected leader falter, soon that leader will have been chosen by God.

Democracy, on the other hand, is for human beings. It is a principle that assigns one vote to each individual, all votes counting exactly the same regardless of individual power or value. No one has more voting power than anyone else. No vote can be overruled by someone else’s demand. Democracy suffers no god a vote because no god exists.

Of course, the Prince of Darkness is not overly fond of democracy Himself and is unsympathetic towards a system of government that grants voting power to stupid people. The only time in History he ever supported democracy was at an event about 2,000 years ago when the vast majority of a large crowd of Judeans voted for Jesus’ death sentence. Satan is the tyrant of Hell who rules His infernal realm with an iron fist and allows His tormented souls no rights.

Satan thinks that in the realm of humans, however, a mindset that surrenders any part of a decision-making process to a super-human entity is inherently counter-democratic as it strips humans of their human worth, human influence, and human rights, surrendering the power of the people to undeserving believers and their priests.