The Devil has not paid much attention lately to the membership procedures of His various churches, temples, synagogues, and whichever other chapels, cloisters, cathedrals, and convents have become dedicated to Him. He remembers that in the days before the Internet someone would locate the P. O. Box address of The Church of Satan in San Francisco, submit a membership application together with a cashier’s check for some $50 or $75, and then after several months would receive a cheapskate membership card and become member number 100261. Satan has not investigated how, say, His temple processes its membership applications but expects it to be similar and maybe with a little more expedient interest in its members. Satan does not issue membership cards Himself; He prefers the tried and tested tradition of branding the damned with hot irons when they enter through the gates of Hell.
The Church of Satan would provide a xeroxed welcome package containing a welcome note, The 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth, The Nine Satanic Statements, an opinion that no other groups can possibly be Satanic, and maybe a few other sheets with information that the Devil’s church considered pertinent to new members.
But a few decades ago Satan thinks something must have gone askew in the printing process, because judging from the behavior of His church and its members, it seems that the headings of The 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth and The Nine Satanic Sins have been switched, making the Sins the new Rules, and vice versa. Satan is not certain where the Nine Satanic Statements went but they appear to have been replaced with the following document:
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