Satan thinks all members are representative

Posted on by A lesser demon

Usually when people complain about impolite, arrogant, hateful, aggressive, intolerant, stupid, or generally all of the above behavior at the same time from members of The Church of Satan, they receive a well rehearsed answer: these members do not represent The Church of Satan but speak for themselves. The only people who may speak for the organization are people above a certain clerical rank or people with special permission. Poorly behaving members are therefore not to be considered representative of the organization.

Intelligent people understand that those are not identical forms of representation, but social stratification mostly spares them from the company of said members. Less enlightened people are prone to believing The Church of Satan’s excuse. Appointed spokespersons, by rank or by selection, act as formal representatives who speak with organizational authority on policies, ideology, and decisions, and only when they explicitly say so. The rest, who are lay members, speak for themselves only. So far, so good—except that lay members and the clergy alike represent their organization by example. They demonstrate what is considered acceptable or expected behavior internally and towards others, and this is why many organizations (including The Church of Satan) occasionally find it necessary to expel a member.

Lay members or low-ranking members of The Church of Satan thus do represent their organization. It is easy to think that by neglecting to address their behavior, excusing their behavior as not formally required, or formally condoned, The Church of Satan ignores that Satan represents responsibility to the responsible. However, Satan thinks His church is only too happy to have a portion of its membership display such primitive hostility as sometimes makes others complain. Examples exist of the ruling body of The Church of Satan asking its members to antagonize selected people or groups that the organization considers inconvenient, and praising members for having taken such initiaves on their own.

The behavior is not openly condoned, but it is appreciated and encouraged behind the scenes. The Church of Satan is satisfied to see its members attack others in an attempt to enforce herd conformity, and members soon learn that such behavior earns them brownie points among their peers. If the organization had preferred that their members conduct themselves properly, it would be simple to issue a policy and have formal representatives of the clergy remind lower-ranking members to behave themselves. As long as The Church of Satan encourages, requests, and even coordinates hostility, the resulting bad behavior is representative of The Church of Satan.

Satan thinks everyone should smarten up and know that it is Church of Satan policy to stimulate such behavior, and that members with excessively hostile attitudes are therefore truly representative of The Church of Satan.

Satan thinks crystal magic resonates with stupidity

Posted on by A lesser demon

It is not just rock and metal that is attributed to Satan. Old Nick has found that an additional element from the Earth’s crust is associated with His powers because He often encounters followers who employ crystals in their magic. This practice is alien to Him, not because His preferred element is of course brimstone, but because He abhors stupidity so vehemently that He declared it the cardinal Satanic sin.

The Devil always has immediate access to science because men and women of science have been steadily condemned to Hell by all human religions through all time. He therefore knows better than to believe that crystals have magical properties although He appreciates their aesthetic qualities. Satan has already debunked Anton LaVey’s notion of magic as outdated speculations in the early days of psychology, but geology is another matter and deserves mention.

Crystals can look impressive; the oft-found translucency can seem to contradict their otherwise rock-like features, and their often fractal structure and vivid colors distinguish them from other types of rock. One can forgive a primitive mind for believing crystals might have a coupling with divine powers and thus possess an intrinsic magical capacity: it looks special and beautiful and must consequently have special and desirable qualities that one can utilize.

Satan’s followers reject the existence of gods, devils, and similar mythical creatures and would never claim that the crystals serve as spiritual conduits. Suppose some Satanist believes that there is power to be harnessed via crystals. In that case, this Satanist needs another explanation—and preferably a better one than claiming that crystals have extraordinary capabilities contradicting science simply because they look pretty.

Such Satanists instead look for science, which Satan thinks is generally the best place to look. They learn about a somewhat strange feature that turned early 1900s occultists into rock collectors overnight and had every hippie looking for good vibes in the 1960s: they invariably learn that crystals can vibrate, which makes them a key component in radio equipment. (And what do radios do? They transmit information over long distances, through solid material, invisible to the eye, almost like magic. A layman may have heard about “radio waves” or even electromagnetic fields but without scientific training they, too, remain abstract phenomena.)

To someone whose knowledge of crystal-based radios is limited to operating volume knobs and tuning in on the desired radio station, the actual role of the crystal is unclear, except it somehow causes the radio to work through “vibration,” whatever that means when something is a piece of rock.

The Devil represents undefiled wisdom and fortunately has access to physicists and electrical engineers who can assist Him. According to these damned souls, crystal vibration combines a physical property of certain crystal structures with a human invention and requires some specific, additional components that Satan has yet to spot on any “crystal magic” altar.

You see, a crystal consists of molecules that are all arranged in a specific lattice structure. Some crystal structures exhibit a physical property is known as piezoelectricity which was discovered in the late 1800s. It means that when the crystal is squeezed, the crystal molecules get slightly rotated as the lattice skews. This causes their positively-charged atoms and their negatively-charged atoms to be oriented so that one end of the crystal has a different charge than the opposite end. In other words, the mechanical pressure causes a slight voltage difference across the crystal. You know this effect from the lighters that you “click” to produce a spark when a crystal is struck with a small hammer.

Quartz is the preferred piezoelectric material because it is both inexpensive, insensitive to moisture, and energy-efficient compared with other piezoelectric crystals.

When the pressure is released, the voltage across the crystal returns to zero. How fast this happens depends on the crystal’s size and thickness, quite like a spring (which also does not bounce back into its resting position immediately).

Piezoelectricity also works the other way: by applying a voltage across the crystal, it becomes deformed because the electric field slightly rotates the molecules in the lattice, skewing the lattice. When the voltage is removed, the crystal snaps back into shape and, because of the piezoelectric property, “returns” the voltage, as it were.

This brings us to the aforementioned human invention. When a voltage difference (i.e., electricity) is applied to the opposite ends of the crystal, it deforms. When the voltage is removed, one knows by the size of the crystal how long time it takes before it “returns” the voltage. On receipt of the return voltage, one immediately repeats the electric stimulation of the crystal, which again deforms and responds after the same amount of time as before. Do this indefinitely, and you have created a method to obtain a very accurate clock tick. Such an accurate clock tick is needed for the signal carrier wave frequency in radios, provides the time in quartz watches, as well as ensures deterministic activation of the many hardware units inside of microprocessors. The invention was made in 1917 and is known as a crystal oscillator.

What this all means is that the crystal does not just sit there and vibrate on its own, nor does it have a vibration property that you can somehow tap into. In fact, it behaves like any other solid matter in terms of vibration but is piezoelectric. This makes it an electrically powered clock source, no more and no less. All the necessary properties are well understood by science. It simply deforms when stimulated then moves back into shape. The crystal does not vibrate unless the designer of an electrical circuit continuously stimulates it on each return to its resting state. That is, to vibrate the crystal, one must provide an electrical circuit that provides the crystal with the actual movement energy.

Before anyone objects that brain waves are an electromagnetic field and could thus serve to stimulate the crystal, Satan regrets to say that His scientists claim that both the frequency of the brain waves and their field strength are far too low to exert any influence on a piezoelectric crystal no matter how intently the would-be magician concentrates and gazes at it. One of them, presumably an engineer, suggested that the magician would have better luck gluing the crystal to a loudspeaker and merely play the desired frequency so the crystal would be shaken accordingly.

Would-be sorcerers with little understanding generally make blithering fools of themselves in the eyes of those who know. Astrologists never studied astrophysics. Self-declared wise women who claim to know the secrets of plant-based healing never studied biology or medicine. Parapsychologists never studied psychology. All such individuals manage is to repeat words or expressions from various scientific fields and assign a personal interpretation to them that has no correspondence to the original meaning. They have interpretation, not understanding. They deceive themselves when they believe it is the latter.

Our crystal magicians have heard the short-hand notion of crystal vibration as a source in a piece of (relatively) advanced technology. They adopt the term but the inner workings of the technology are sheer magic to them, and the “vibration” is an equally magic term. If these amateur rock collectors can muster such fascination with a misunderstanding of a particular crystal property, Satan cannot wait to hear what immense forces they might attribute to far more esoteric components such as the field-effect transistor or nonvolatile memory. To those who know about crystal oscillators, however, it is evident that crystal magicians, with their concept of “vibrations,” are dumb as rocks.

Satan thinks degrees are hot

Posted on by A lesser demon

His Infernal Majesty is a sucker for ranks, hierarchy, and degrees, and enforces relentless stratification throughout His infernal empire. Degrees boost efficiency, because they relieve everyone of the tedious and uninteresting task of learning about each other. An accurate and carefully awarded degree provides you with everything you need to know about a demon or, in the world above us, a person.

For example, if a person advertises a sixth degree in Scientology, you immediately know that he is a top shelf idiot who has spent a significant sum of money and time becoming delusional. There is no need to speak at length with this individual and learn it the hard way.

It should go without saying that the quality of a degree is contingent on a strict curriculum and objective, unbiased evaluations. Satan has no respect for organizations that award degrees as a token of “esteem” or any similar set of undefined skills. Satan’s church is right to warn against a degree system with no answers in its Satanic Bunco Sheet. Degrees have no merit unless they can be independently verified—secret, unpublished standards, subjective evaluations, or cautions that if you have to ask about a degree, it is because you cannot afford it, are a foolproof litmus cult test. Degrees are meaningful only if they are meaningfully awarded: students who pride themselves of graduating from the school of hard knocks rarely boast notable grades elsewhere and hence seldom impress people with actual educations.

Even a correctly granted degree per the Devil’s requirements holds merit only among those who consider the issuer to be authoritative. Any earned degree is hogwash to people who find the organization ridiculous whether it deserves such an opinion or not.

Either situation—that the organization’s degrees are absurd or useless outside of its membership sphere or that the organization applies arbitrary requirements, or both—explains why some “warlock” in one organization may be readily recognized as a black-belt retard in all walks of life by people outside of the organization (and often because of the degree, cf. the aforementioned Scientologist).

Satan thinks His disciples should be mistrustful of all such degrees. Satan represents rebellion against phony authorities and The Goat-Legged One thinks it behooves His followers to follow suit and question authority; if nothing else then because He says so.

This raises an important point. All disciples of the Prince of Darkness were raised in societies where self-proclaimed élites have manufactured a system in which degrees signal social positions. It compels people to attribute importance to a degree regardless of its significance, worth, or merit. Satan thinks that instead of conforming to herd mentality and automatically credit an awardee with importance, one should apply analytical thinking. Since everyone considers a degree to signal relative importance, degrees reflect a value system: by observing ranking members one can deduce what the real values of an organization are as opposed to its purported values.

A personality-cult–like organization (or one characterized by individuals with narcissistic proneness) often have few other values than unbending loyalty towards the organization and sycophantic praise of those who are superior in degree. It awards degrees to lickspittles and personal friends of the issuers. It is often possible to deduce such values by observing who receives degrees.

In contrast, formal procedures and veracious requirements for degrees usually indicate a system focused on the advancement of bodies of skill. The obvious example is educational institutions. The hierarchy of degrees is typically shallow considering the size of these organizations. (This is true for higher education, too, because although they feature a plethora of degrees, the degrees are identical across different scientific fields in terms of “level.”) Such degrees are often legally protected as a bulwark against counterproductive activity. Satan secretly longs for the day when “witch” is designated as a protected degree, but thus far it has been awarded only by historically inept personnel.

It does not matter for identification purposes whether the degrees make any sense; the institutions and their members think they do and that is enough. Satan thinks that the use of degrees in higher education is generally admirable although degrees in fan-fiction fields such as theology, political science, and economics are mostly self-contained. The key is that degrees expose an organization’s fundamental objectives and that they may tell a different story to the out-group than to the in-group.

Within any group, degrees are important regardless of their merit for entirely different reasons than position, prowess, or progress. They serve as structural elements that keep organizations together.

Firstly, they establish a hierarchy of authority that dissuades early adopters from voicing criticism. This is generally advantageous to any organization. Bodies of knowledge rarely benefit from “input” from insightless newcomers, and power-centric organizations gain little from status seekers. This mechanism is maintained through-up the degree system, ensuring that authority stays in the hands of its rightful owners.

Secondly, they increase efficiency (as mentioned earlier). No single member must investigate who is considered an authority within the organization, because degrees provide this information. All that remains is to choose among the available array of higher-ranking individuals as sage, inspirator, or mentor, depending on organizational terminology.

Thirdly, degrees cement loyalty through multiple means. Growth recognition fosters loyalty in that as long as there is yet a degree to attain, members are compelled to keep advancing and hence staying until they reach the pinnacle degree. (New degrees may be introduced, should too many students become proficient.) Few organizations focusing on personal development can keep their members interested unless their growth is continously acknowledged.

Perhaps a corollary of hierarchy and achievement, a degree makes the owner feel important. Human vanity enjoys any badge of social recognition—especially that of your favorite group—that you may pin on your suit, literally or figuratively. The feeling of being significant by virtue of membership often suffices to keep the sheep at bay. In the same vein, what you have been given can be taken. Your title may be revoked or you may even find yourself disassociated from your organization. This silent threat is highly motivating towards loyalty.

More importantly, degrees are captive. Degrees designate a role, and roles are defined by expectations. Once a degree has been awarded, its new owner adopts a role whose behavior and sense of loyalty is predefined and reinforcing, because otherwise no-one within the organization will recognize the new awardee as such. (The so-called “Stanford prison experiment” by Philip Zimbardo, although critized and contested, illustrates the power of roles.) Both loyalty and values are thus preserved because the new degree owner must imitate the behavior that led him or her to achieve the degree to begin with.

Satan likes degrees but mostly in the sense that He loves to boil the souls of the damned.

Satan thinks His stupid followers need help

Posted on by A lesser demon

Dumb people are usually unaware of their own stupidity and therefore would never seek or heed any advice marketed as aid for the imbeciles. Satan is nonetheless willing to offer it, because some idiot might accidentally stumble upon it and take it to heart. Stupidity is the cardinal Satanic sin but it takes a smart person to recognize a dunce and put him in the corner where he belongs. Surround yourself instead with sub-standard peers and none will know your limitations.

Satan thinks that if you are dim of wit and a member of His church, then you are in good company. The following guidelines will ensure that your stupidity goes unchallenged.

Be Loyal

Unswerving loyalty is one of the few things stupid people do well. Smart people question all things and often find the answers wanting. Dumb people are not prone to skepticism and lack the capacity to spot inconsistencies and mistakes. It is called unquestioning loyalty for a reason, and it is in high demand. Any organization needs dutiful footsoldiers who require little training and can be paid off with a little praise and a degree.

Loyalty is surprisingly easy in the Satanic arena if you heed a few rules:

Never admit mistakes, inconsistencies, or contradictions in any of your scripture or anything spoken from your founders, leaders, and their close associates. They have their high degrees for a reason (even if the reason is camaraderie), and degrees are equivalent to prowess. Scripture is sacred. If someone disagrees, then it is because they are stupid or because they are not Satanists. We will get to that later.

Keep yourself up to date on news from your organization. Visit its web site daily. If you locate any new content, repost it immediately on the social media. You are not required to quote anything; just post a link to the content.

People who left your organization are disloyal. If you mention them, make sure to stress that either they realized that they did not belong, or the organization had to expel them. It is entirely a question about their character. The organization is flawless in such matters.

Always “like” any post made by a member of your organization who has a degree or speaks positively about your organization or its higher-level clergy. You should also dislike anything a detractor says, but beware: some social media lump likes and dislikes into one, thus counting all as attention. Apply the “dislike” action only if it reduces the number of likes.

Make It All About You

As a stupid person, the only thing you may reasonably claim expertise in is yourself. Do not worry that observers of people such as psychologists, sociologists, or anthropologists may have deeper insight into your mind than you, because they will not be talking with you but about you (and then, usually it is not even you as a person but you as a category).

Anton LaVey made it clear in The Satanic Bible that self-gratification, self-interest, and self-preservation are essential to Satanism. None of these imply narcissism—as a matter of fact, narcissism is indicative of a fragile self which compensates with the delusion that it is superior and thus entitled to vampirize others for approval and praise. Narcissism can nonetheless work wonders for you if you are stupid, because a grand display of pretentiousness can temporarily relieve you of the gnawing awareness of your inadequacy.

You do not need creative skills. Just write a few terse lines of text in a Satanic forum on the social media about, for example, how you are (again) one month sober thanks to your outstanding Satanic sense of self-preservation, or how you noticed someone looking odd at you this afternoon but knew that as a Satanist you were his better. It does not even have to mention the ‘S’ word. If some disaster struck a town in your neighboring state and caught media attention, then make it about you: you feel for them, but fortunately you are okay.

Do not be afraid to play the victim provided the guilty party is someone other Satanists can readily denounce. Most Satanists will overlook your obvious cry for pity as they feel violated by proxy. Nothing builds sympathy and unity in a herd than the sense of a shared enemy.

Believe Everyone Is Stupid

If you get into an argument with a smart person, you will probably not understand his arguments, explanations, and analyses. Do not let this deter you. Your inability to understand will make it seem to you that they are stupid for making statements whose relevance escapes you or drawing conclusions based on logic that you cannot follow. Therefore, just say so. They seem stupid to you, and they will seem equally stupid to others who share your two-digit IQ and whom you should aim to impress.

Your lifetime of experience and your years failing in school have taught you that if an aspect of some topic seems wrong, it is because you do not adequately comprehend. Trust that this naturally applies to everyone else. Therefore, if someone spots an error in your scripture or elsewhere, it is not because there is a flaw but because he does not understand. Ignore that little voice in the back of your head which may tell you that your inability to recognize the error even when explained could mean they understand something that you cannot. Expect instead that they are slow to understand when they keep identifying what seems to them to be flaws and absurdities; they merely display many more examples of an inability to comprehend than yourself: it is therefore they who do not understand. It is they who are dumb.

Again, that is what you should say. Insist (but do not otherwise argue) that whichever issue the smart person has chosen to engage, there is no problem with that issue. There are no contradictions, no mistakes, no ambiguities, etc. to those who are intelligent enough. The fact that you do not know that you don’t know provides you with the distinct advantage that you will rarely feel prompted to ask the questions that reveal it.

Remember You Are the Satanist

Being the Satanist while the other isn’t provides you with the power of knowing you are something special. That is what attracted you to Satanism in the first place, after all: to gain an illusion of being special.

Remember: being a Satanist grants you permission to pretend that everything you do is Satanic. Few people will reflect on your narrative and realize that it is not inherently Satanic if everyone does it, and the few that ponder will be both too polite to say it and sufficiently self-aware to know that such criticism would expose themselves, too.

Since you are the Satanist, anyone who disagrees with you is therefore by default not a Satanist. Satan cautions that occasionally the person happens to be a member of your organization, and you must then pay attention to degrees. Research whether the person has a higher or a lower degree than yourself. (Such research is usually soon complete because normally they have announced themselves already.) If the person’s degree is lower or the same, stand your ground; do not argue, just repeat yourself. If the person has a higher degree than yourself, the fix is easy. Simply tell them you agree fully and that they make an excellent point, and do not fall for the temptation to argue your previous position.

You joined the alien élite. It is evidence of a destitute character when a pretender who thinks he is a Satanist refuses to join the élite or even joins another organization thinking it can possibly be Satanic. Never hestitate to remind them that they are not Satanists. They chose to advertise their shortcomings by turning their back on the one true Satanism, and they want you to remind them because they are masochists.

Use Your Faith

You were probably raised as a Christian, and Satan recommends that you secretly stick with that faith. Satan would not normally provide such advice, but He is not considering the average Joe here. He is trying to assist the subnormal Bubba, and that calls for unconventional measures. Dumb people must do with what they have, and cannot rely on learning new tricks. If this means sticking to what they did as Christians, then so be it.

It means you should stay as zealous and cocksure of your new-found faith as you were of your past faith, and otherwise not change a thing about yourself. Remember: you discovered that Satanism is the thing you always were, and now is not the right time to worry that the most plausible explanation for this is that you merely spiced up your Christianity with a new name. Stay every bit as hypocritical, arrogant, intolerant, and toxic now as you were then, because all the other Christians who replaced their crosses with Baphomet medallions will immediately recognize you as family.

Your faith provided you with universally applicable axioms. For example, you can transfer your former respect for your reverend to your new reverends (or “warlocks”) and regard them as the authorities you always had, and your past means you will be good at it. You have probably replaced your paintings of Jesus with a portrait of Anton LaVey already, because the principal element remains people you can worship.

Adhere strongly to your “us versus them” mindset. You knew that your denomination were the elect, or at least had the potential, whereas those who preferred a different form of Christianity had lesser worth as human beings. If someone belongs to another group, you know you are his better.

Continue to quote scripture at others, preferably out of the blue. Your fellow Christians-in-spirit will appreciate it. Stick to the officially approved scripture, however. It can be embarassing to quote apocryphal scripture written by people who left your church and are now classified as people who were never really Satanists.

You were an outstanding Christian once, because a true Christian is the one that behaves like a real Christian not the mythological nice folks that they claim to be. Christianity is what you do best, so use it to its fullest potential. Keeping with your previous behavior means you have finally accepted being the Christian you always were, and there is peace in that.

This all may seem like a mouthful, but you will notice that there is significant overlap between the instructions. Especially the last section ties it all neatly together.

Satan thinks none of His laws matter

Posted on by A lesser demon

Old Nick has provided a few lists for those of His followers that are either too lazy or too busy to study proper Satanic etiquette in detail. Yet He finds that neither The 9 Satanic Statements, The 11 Rules of the Earth, nor The 9 Satanic Sins are heeded by His disciples. This baffles The Gentleman, because with so many followers who claim that they were born not made, Satan would expect them to naturally represent the Statements, follow the Rules, and refrain from the Sins even if they had never read them.

They even get confused or offended when they encounter the rare person who exhibits several of the traits that Satan represents, or when someone calls them out on their omissions of traits or their transgressions of the Satanic Rules of the Earth.

Satan is relieved that other religions are filled with hypocrites, because in all other religions virtually any deviation from their requirements is for the better. (His own religion is an exception, of course, because its only flaw is the kind of people it attracts. Satan will not accept hypocrisy within His own ranks.) There are people outside of the Devil’s ranks who consistently obey every rule in His book but the Devil’s followers ostensibly cannot grasp such qualities unless they are accompanied by the Infernal name. And, if so, only if it is the right kind of Satanist, and only if the person withholds such behavior while in their presence lest they get subjected to Satanic reality.

Satan once thought His disciples had turned the “Golden Rule” upside-down: “do to others what you would not have them do to you”—thereby behaving very much how those who preach the Golden Rule conduct themselves in practice. But His followers do not even behave against others according to the Devil’s instructions. God forbid (not to ask you to excuse my French; Satan thinks that God is really the culprit here) that Satan’s followers behave as Satanists or be exposed to any who do.

The disciples of The Evil One make all kinds of excuses: that the Satanic Statements and the Rules of the Earth are helpful suggestions that one may cherry-pick as they benefit oneself. Or that interaction on the internet is somehow not part of the real world so therefore the Rules do not apply. Or that the Statements, Rules, and Sins describe an ideal world (Old Scratch cannot help hearing this as “Paradise”) not the current one.

Satan thinks many of His followers may not have understood what they got themselves into. They desire freedom for themselves but shun the accountability that comes with it. They want privileges but refuse responsibilities. They feel entitled but have not earned the prerogative. They reserve the right to strike but complain at the slightest touch.

Satan thinks they secretly treasure another religion: one that claims that its followers turn the other cheek. One that contends unconditional love. One that relieves them of responsibility because they can blame their behavior on non-existing externalities. One that provides them with the herd that they need. The one that they were raised with.

Satan thinks stratification would kill several followers

Posted on by A lesser demon

Pentagonal revisionism is the political and social program of the Church devoted to His Infernal Majesty. It includes strict taxation of all churches, no tolerance for religious beliefs secularized and incorporated into law and order issues, the development and production of artificial human companions, the opportunity for anyone to live within a total environment of his or her own choice, and—most importantly, according to the Church—stratification on all levels of society: no-one should be protected from the effects of his own stupidity, and everyone must find his or her place in society without help.

The Old Lad Himself wholeheartedly supports stratification on Earth as it is in Hell, His own realm being founded on a strictly feudal basis with a Lordship-retainer relation between all of our denizens. It is entirely coincidental that our infernal structure happens to match the social structure of Medieval times when humans began to depict Hell. Johann Weyer’s elaborate description of our hierarchy was reputedly a satirical spoof but we who dwell here know better.

Thus we have several Sons of God who stand as praiseworthy examples of breaking social heritage, a vast array of demons, numerous devils (ranking above the demons), arch-demons, princes, dukes, lords and overlords, and many specialized trades such as chefs, jesters, spies, generals, captains, and ministers. It may be every demon for himself, but everyone knows its place, including yours falsely, who dutifully mans the furnaces and is only allowed to relay The Gentleman’s infernal thoughts on his unpaid overtime.

The astute reader may have noticed that our hierarchy, although incompletely outlined above, does not include any of Satan’s followers. There is a good reason for that: Hell is intended to be their punishment not their playground. Satan thinks that if they want to rule in Hell, they can go create their own damn (or damned) place on Earth where they belong for now. Satan will not reward them with some title and a fiery fiefdom when they die. Such nonsense is what “God” promises.

Satan thinks that the promise of an afterlife in an eternal bliss if only one succumbs to the demands of the clergy while alive is a death wish. Atheists abound who agree. (Old Horney has no comments on His own role in that myth.)

In spite of Freud’s derailing psychology for decades to come, Satan thinks there is some truth to be found in his idea of a “death drive.” Satan believes Thanatos describes a biological response in a body which is aware at a some deep level that it is unfit to exist and must perish and rot. Thanatos drives the body host towards self-destructive behavior and activities that are harmful to himself or herself. It drives the person towards ideologies that deny their carnal being and reject the body—such as Christianity, which stipulates that their essential being is something that does not exist: their soul. They desire to be freed of their body, to be obliterated from existence.

This brings us back to the political goal of stratification. Satan thinks that all of His followers who joined The Church of Satan should question their own role: which social stratum do they occupy in their current societies, and which stratum would they occupy in if that society was shaped per pentagonal revisionism?

Satan thinks many of them would perish. A person who is both physically and mentally retarded has nothing to offer and would crash anonymously and unceremoneously to the bottom stratum in a matter of days if a Satanic social structure was enforced.

Such people, as well as anyone who is functioning but below average usefulness, would seem stupid, self-deceited, or hypocritical to join an organization whose declared goal is to suppress them, but Satan ascribes it to Thanatos: they are attracted to The Church of Satan because it promises an alternative to their frustrations with their current lot in society that would prove far worse to them. They harbor a subconscious desire to be eradicated.

Satan thinks that a substantial number of His followers who support The Church of Satan’s ideas of meritocraty and strict social stratification may wish for a hell on Earth that would come considerably close to the mythical Hell. And Satan approves.

Satan thinks His élite are self-inflated imposters

Posted on by A lesser demon

Metrics experts know that people will optimize whichever key metric is used for their evaluation and will possess an uncanny ability to recognize which metric is the most imporant if multiple metrics apply. A carefully selected metric can thus stimulate significant productivity gains, but metrics experts are also aware of its dark side: when people labor to maximize the metric, they will do anything that maximizes the metric, not necessarily the intended tasks. They will soon be found working against the desired goal if it benefits their scoreboard.

Satan thinks Anton LaVey may have missed this dark side of metrics when one night in the mid-1960s He whispered in LaVey’s ear that he should declare that Satanic success be measured by one’s accomplishments in the real world. It seemed like a great metric at the time but since laziness is the force behind all ingenuity, Satan’s devotees soon found a shortcut in the shape of inflated accomplishments. Far easier than putting in some real effort, a simple translation of tasks that everyone does already into important accomplishments provided an instant admission into the Devil’s alien élite.

Satan is offended, frankly. Maybe The Lord of Evil chose an ambiguous word when He said He wanted some mean accomplishments, but He never expected everyone to interpret this as average accomplishments.

Some Christian housewife is an excellent cook, but when the Satanic wife (excuse me, witch) cooks a great meal, it is Satanic. Some philosophy professor compiles a document with philosophy texts for her students as a PDF file, but when the uneducated Satanist finds a handful of short-stories online that he likes whose copyrights have expired and puts them in a self-published book, he is a Satanic author. And so there are “radio hosts,” “artists,” “models,” etc. whose natural flair lies within the 60% fractile who are squarely average and utterly stale, but who think so highly of their averageness that they find it Satanic. And their peers, who are equally average and would never have cared to listen or look otherwise, are impressed by the mere ‘S’-word cosmetics.

The Devil once knew an alcoholic who said it was Satanism that made him stop drinking for good, because now he was drinking for evil instead and this was a triumph. Satan views those perpetually average people who borrow His infernal name in a futile attempt to inflate their mediocrity as spiritual kinsmen of that drunkard, except he did make one last remarkable combustion when we threw him into the hellfire.

Even seemingly great achievements should be viewed within their context. For example, humans who suffer an accident and must spend the rest of their lives in a wheelchair usually endure and after some convalescence are no less happy than prior to the accident. It lies within human nature to persevere, and in that sense their ability to recover mentally and to learn to circumnavigate their limitations is entirely to be expected. To permanently regress into a pit of apathy is the exception and far below the average result. This should be uplifting news to anyone who finds himself or herself in a similar situation: it is not a challenge to heal but the likeliest outcome. Praise and encouragement is deserved but regained vigor is in fact nothing out of the ordinary.

However, they will often claim that it was their Christian faith, their Buddhist meditations, or their atheist reality check of life which provided strengh, but Satan will hear no such nonsense. If a Satanic amputee recovers mentally, it is not because he or she is a Satanist. Satan will accept credit on the day when statistically significantly more patients succeed when they are Satanists but until then they have no business invoking His infernal name as an argument that their perfectly expected recovery means they are somehow particularly Satanic compared with any unscathed Satanist. Satan considers it empty posturing when a Satanist uses his recovery as proof that he is Satanic, because anyone in his position would have recovered.

Those who have none of the marketable skills lauded by His church turn to aggressive servitude, not heeding Satan’s fulmination in The Satanic Bible against the weak whose insecurity makes them vile. It is they who seek peer recognition by frantically quoting scripture by Anton LaVey or Peter Gilmore and by viciously assaulting anyone who displays an inkling of disloyalty towards their own sect.

Old Nick believes in elitism—that a group of extraordinary individuals are more constructive as a whole—but on the premise that these individuals truly stand out in terms of proficiency, intelligence, and artistry. What He gets instead are honorary members of the Dunning-Kruger club who mistake their trivialities for phenomenal Satanic prowess simply because they dare to wear a Pentagram.

Satan wanted a legion of masters in their respective fields. Instead His Infernal Empire appears to become populated with underarhievers, nonperformers, and uninspiring simpletons whose only achievement is to borrow the sulphorous vapors of Hell to inflate their undeserving egos. Satan would not trust any of them with a nerf pitchfork.

Satan thinks Satanic child abuse is taboo

Posted on by A lesser demon

In spite of their ideological differences, one thing my Master’s followers can agree on is that sexual abuse of children has no place among Satanists. But let us be honest: there are genuine examples of sexual child abuse among Satanists. Satan personally knows of an example involving a former priest in His church and another example involving a person who possessed a membership card of a Satanic organization. Both of these examples considered their sexual abuse of their own children to be a facet of their beliefs. His Infernal Majesty must know such things because He is required to keep track of human evil to exact a fitting punishment when their time comes.

A little sense of realism should erase all doubt anyway. Statistics on child abuse vary and involve unreported numbers but given any 1,000 people it is virtually guaranteed that some of them are unfortunately child abusers or harbor some level of pedophile tendencies. This implies that any organization with more than a few hundred members should be expected to have child abusers among its members regardless of ideology. It is not the nature of the organizations but the disagreeable human nature that allows such a prognosis. The Devil has a few larger groups devoted to Him, and any accusation that they include pedophiles is, sadly, bound to be true for this reason alone. Satan wishes them rooted out regardless of the internal taboo of His Satanic organizations that was bound to take root when Anton LaVey condemned child abuse to the level of elevating it to one of the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth.

Yet, Satan advises His followers to keep their pride checked and avoid unnecessary suspicions. Any one group of organized Satanists that accuses another Satanic organization of pedophile inclinations and thus perpetrators of the worst taboo should remember its own position in the real world. The history of the “Satanic Panic” in the late 1980s and early 1990s had real implications for thousands of innocent victims, and the current QAnon attempts to resurrect the panic as part of their political movement should be a concern for any modern Satanist with a little historical and social perspective. Such people do not distinguish between Satanic groups, and if Satanic organizations accuse each others of child abuse, all would-be Satanic Panic revivalists will just lump them together and throw all non-Republican presidential candidates in for good measure, and could not care less if these Satanic organizations happen to damn each other away from Hell.

The last thing any Satanic organization needs is to feed such nation-wide herd stampedes with speculations that tie right into their myths, and which they will readily use against this same Satanic organization. An accusation of pedophilia may help dissuade a few would-be members from joining the other Satanic group but it misses the greater picture. Any little harm one Satanic organization inflicts upon another is a gain to opponents with genuine power to effect changes for the worse who will happily use it. It is a poor general who loses the war to win the minor skirmishes.

Satan thinks that His original organization, The Church of Satan, is particularly challenged in its perspective when its members repeatedly insinuate that The Satanic Temple has a pedophile appeal for constructing a statue that allows children to sit on its lap and for establishing projects such as their “after school Satan” program. In fact, Satan thinks it is worrying when people who think in terms of sexual child abuse at the sight of a child on the lap of a statue feel the more attracted to an organization which proudly displays a picture of a little child next to a naked, real woman in a Satanic ritual, and describes in its literature how this child, the daughter of the very founder, became pregnant with an unknown father at the age of 13. The pendulum may strike back hard one day.

Satan thinks fish stickers are warning labels

Posted on by A lesser demon

Anton LaVey once defined Satan as a great car, among other things of pleasure and materialism. While His Satanic Excellency prefers to think of Himself as more sophisticated than the items on LaVey’s list, it is true that Satan delights in driving a quality automobile.

The Devil is no speed demon, as some may have inaccurately believed, and is drawn towards cars that radiate business in the professional sense rather than sports cars or flashy cars. His Infernal Majesty is usually found behind the wheel of a Lexus or a Mercedes Benz as is appropriate for a gentleman of His age group.

It is during His frequent business trips from Hell and back that Satan has observed a peculiar phenomenon among human drivers: whenever a car has a “fish” sticker on it (a symbol used by Christians), its owner’s driving skills are below par, and Satan has learned to maintain an additional safety distance to any car that is decorated with this emblem. The unpredictability of vehicle fatalities became lamentably clear when His Wickedness arranged for a car accident only to decapitate the wrong victim in the Jayne Mansfield incident, for example. The last thing The Fallen Angel wishes is again to be cast from His seat, this time not by the “Almighty” himself but through the recklessness of one his disciples driving a Toyota Corolla.

Satan first hypothesized that the fish sticker was meant to warn that something fishy is ahead because a Christian should never be trusted, but soon dismissed the idea. Christians never warn against their ill intentions but instead cloak them with words of “neighborly love” intended to lure unsuspecting prey into their mental and often financial traps.

The Devil currently favors two hypotheses that may both be true.

The first one is that people who slap herring badges onto their automobiles presumably disagree with the Satanic tenet of vital existence where one keeps focus on the road—both in the figurative sense of doing what is best for oneself and in an acutely literal sense in traffic. Satan thinks these people drive as if their minds are elsewhere. They may be preoccupied with guilt, planning their next move towards salvation, desiring some male love of Jesus, or whatever Christians have on their minds; whichever it is, it seems to inhibit their attention towards other road users.

The second hypothesis might sound a little Freudian but Satan is not yet posed to dismiss it: any religion that upholds that death yields gratification, vindication, or happiness, or in any other sense advocates the just-world belief that suffering will eventually be compensated with corresponding comfort, is a death cult. Satan thinks that maybe drivers who flaunt their death wish cult membership may subconsciously be driven (or driving) toward death, thus leading to more accident-prone behavior.

And so Satan thinks you should not only drive carefully and wear your seatbelts, as is always advised, but also beware of drivers whose vehicles display fish stickers and often a few dents to boot.

Satan thinks abortion is murder

Posted on by A lesser demon

Before your unfaithful narrator begins, the Devil wishes to stress that He does not intend to discuss Anton LaVey’s opposition to abortion. Nor does He wish to discuss how Anton LaVey views demonstrated both misogyny and an unusual lack of perspective.

He will therefore not address Anton LaVey’s opinion that the wish for an abortion demonstrates ignorance, negligence, or irresponsibility on the behalf of the would-be parents, or how Anton LaVey criticized the idea that women should have the right to control their own bodies. (Perhaps this explains why, when Anton LaVey’s own daughter became pregnant at the age of 13, she became a mother two months after her 14th birthday.) Least of all does Satan want to discuss the impossibility of mandatory sterilization or use of contraceptives that Anton LaVey proposed as a “third alternative.”

The Prince of Darkness thus leaves it to others to imagine examples when an abortion might have other causes than stupidity, or whether especially women might want a time in their lives when they avoid pregnancy and only later become parents.

No, Satan has something different in mind. He is thinking of the ethical issues about abortion potentially being comparable to murder, at least in those situations where they are choices rather than medical emergencies intended to save a mother’s life.

To begin with, Satan finds that “pro-life” arguments are generally horrendous. Religious anti-abortionists usually apply arguments that make no sense outside of their religions; for example, that abortion is a crime against their god—making it a victimless crime to anyone else. Any meaningful argument should at least appeal to some level of neutrality or reason and leave superstition out of the picture.

Satan also objects to highly polarized positions. Some anti-abortionists believe that a fertilized (human) egg that has not even divided into a second cell qualifies as a human being, but Satan begs to differ. Bacteria are single-celled organisms, yes, but at that stage they are also in their adult life, as it were, whereas it takes about 26 billion times that number of cells to comprise even a newborn baby. It indeed stands a four-out-of-ten chance of developing into a healthy baby, but maintaining that the very first cell was a human being is as absurd as asserting that no child, even after the due date, is human until it is born.

There are fortunately few who claim the latter but Satan thinks there is nonetheless a gray area in-between those extremes where the debate becomes valid. It is in this area that pro-choicers prefer to debate, too, and they usually acknowledge that an embryo or a fetus (the difference is the development of vital systems versus growing bigger) has the potential to become a “real” human being.

Pro-choicers find themselves in a more difficult position than anti-choicers, however. Anti-choicers oppose any termination of pregnancy, period; but pro-choicers must either define the cell constellation in the womb as somehow non-human or admit that they are supporting the termination of innoncent human lives even if they can find good reason for it.

Satan thinks it is more difficult to distinguish between abortion and murder than pro-choice groups tend to do. He thinks they merely assume that some specific developmental stage can be determined and leaves it to the experts—presumably biologists and medical experts—to identify it while the pro-choicers themselves avoids the thought.

It might seem reasonable to conclude that if the embryo were but a lump of body matter with no brain, it would feel no pain and have no level of consciousness. But, already at four weeks the brain of the embryo is identifiable and the nervous system is beginning to form. The mother may yet have just begun to consider a pregnancy test, and it would be too late by this definition. The heart, then? That comes one week later. It is evident that at this point there are signs of life beyond a petri-dish cell-multiplication experiment, even if is on human life support.

Such an observation leads naturally to a second-best option: the distinction between abortion and murder may be the time where the fetus can survive without its mother provided it receives medical life support. (Satan is willing forego the objection that a newborn cannot survive without support either, because it is identical to the aforementioned polarized view.) This stage of pregnancy determines the current abortion time limit in the USA.

Yet, medical advances have continually lowered the age at which a fetus can be saved and suffer only minor inconveniences as an adult. As of this writing, a few fetuses have survived at an age that is lower than the abortion time limit of some countries. Nothing seems to indicate that even younger fetuses or even embryos cannot be saved as methods are improved. The assessment of when life can be sustained outside of the uterus moves steadily closer to the polarized claim that life begins at conception. Come the day when scientific advances allows the construction of an artificial uterus, pro-choicers must face the uncomfortable realization that any argument stating that abortion is only legal until a child may live outside of a uterus is functionally identical to the hitherto religious, extremist position: that life begins at conception.

When Norway became the first country to non-provisionally legalize abortion in 1964, providing abortion within the first 12 weeks of gestation, Norway bypassed such considerations by choosing the time limit so that the mother would suffer minimal medical risk. This limit is still effective today, nearly sixty years later. A similar problem as the above haunts the Norwegian argument, however: by virtue of medical advances, abortions performed weeks later than 12 weeks pose no higher risk to women today compared to the medical situation of the 1960es. The time limit steadily moves towards the other extreme where, ultimately, doctors may perform a no-risk abortion if the mother changes her mind on the due date.

Satan thinks that although medical science manages to save prenatal lives at a still earlier stage and manages to perform safe abortions at a still later stage, science does not exactly help the pro-choice arguments by doing so. Satan thinks that pro-choicers will eventually face an uncomfortable dilemma: either they change their minds and ban abortion with all the suffering this entails, or they must argue why the mother’s body takes precedence, i.e., why prenatal murder should be legalized.

The Devil prefers the latter but thinks of prenatal murder from a different perspective.

Death is not a unique point in time. It is a process. Death may seem instant, but the body undergoes a series of changes before the actual process of dying is complete, often beginning before the person becomes aware of the imminent inevitable. Not even a decapitation is an entirely instant death. There is no specific time during the process of dying that one can establish a time of death without applying a “dead enough” argument. What constitutes “enough” is constantly being pushed by medical science. Some conditions that once made the medical staff cancel life support are now considered generally temporary due to improved treatment.

Birth, like death, is not a unique time point incident either. It, too, is a process during which one cannot meaningfully establish a point in time when there is “enough life,” especially because a child needs support for several years following its birth. It is impossible to answer such a question or even reach a consensus. Satan thinks it is no coincidence that abortions usually cause varying degrees of mental trauma to the women who had them, because more often than not do they feel they somehow committed a wrong regardless how reasonable or even necessary their decision may have been.

Satan thinks the current pro-choice argument of life-capability outside of the uterus is a pseudo-argument serving to justify an arbitrary time to terminate the birth process. It strikes the Devil as an argument similar to allowing organ harvesting from a seriously injured person on the grounds that the person would die without treatment. Satan thinks there is no point in time during pregnancy where one can unambiguously state that abortion is not murder.

Were it not because anti-abortionists care little about the loss of human life while their true agenda is to force their religion and its entire package of methods to control people (not least their sex lives) down everyone’s throat, Satan might even agree with them on the murder perspective.

Satan would prefer that pro-choicers face the ethical challenges of their choice. (And, now He is at it, that anti-choicers would for once take responsibility for the consequences of their decision: causing abortions to just become more dangerous because abortion rates have been found not to drop in regions where abortion is outlawed.) He thinks pro-choicers try to hide behind the illusion that the murder is performed in such a way that it seems defensible and somehow not as murderous as stabbing a child in the back because one does not want this child around. Humans are a hypocritical species and the human brain includes a string of defense mechanisms that make you believe that crime is what only others commit where as you yourself have good reasons. But, barring medical emergencies, abortion is a choice.

At this point it may sound like His Infernal Majesty is opposed to abortion. He stays true to Christian myths, however, and takes no issue with murder. Satan sees such trivial human actions from a broader perspective: the human cost of having a child at the wrong time, in the wrong place, or for the wrong reasons is high at the individual level of the child and the parents; and the social costs of unwanted children and parents who cannot cope is difficult to imagine. Satan thinks the alternative to legalized abortion causes collateral human damage that far exceeds the sacrifice of the unborn. Abortion is not a question of whether to murder. It is a question of who to murder on a broader scale. Satan thinks pro-choicers should admit this instead of thinking the world permits binary arguments.