Anton LaVey

Satan thinks water should be prevented from finding its own level

Posted on by A lesser demon

The Devil has been aware for quite a while that one of His churches ranks stratification as the foundation of its so-called five-point program, which ostensibly contains the goals of the organization. In the words of its founder, Anton LaVey, water should be allowed to find its own level with no attempt to mandate its flow. People are not equal, and allowance for incompetence should be prevented from interfering in human life, because according to Mr. LaVey, this benefits the weak at the expense of the strong.

Satan always enjoys a good phrase that communicates a simple solution to a complex and compound issue. Such childish optimism and joyful obliviousness of the nature of a difficult problem always brings a smile to the Dark Lord’s face, or at least a sardonic smirk. It seems somehow intuitively true that the entire world would become a better place if everyone was allowed to develop into their true selves—a universal Maslowian paradise of self-actualizing indiviuals, no less. It seems almost too good to be true, and as common sense would caution, it is.

The analogy can be taken a little further without being drawn too far; in the present case one may realize that left to its own devices every particle of water ultimately goes downhill not up, and that only violent manipulation can make it temporarily rise. Water that is allowed to seek its own level with no natural or artificial dams, dikes, redirections, or pumps to force its flow and keep it in motion will settle and turn stagnant. The natural flow of water is in the direction of mediocrity.

Satan is confident that LaVey realized this and only desired an abolishment of the control systems in those areas where he believed to be personally unfairly limited, and would eagerly restrict the options for anyone who happened to have conflicting goals. He did specifically address apologists of mediocrity after all, and was undoubtedly in favor of draconian measures against those whom he felt held him back. This sentiment naturally impresses the Prince of Darkness, but playing the Devil’s advocate for a moment, Satan cannot help but compare the attitude with the motto of the eternal underachiever: they would have recognized my genius had they not preferred mediocrity. In Anton LaVey’s case, his proficiency in music and visual arts reached the level of a skilled hobbyist, and his intellectual insights into the nature of mankind would be met with overbearing smiles from any modern day philosopher, anthropologist, psychologist, or sociologist.

The Devil does not hold this against Mr. LaVey, who has now joined us in Hell and is busy being tormented with an unobtainable doppelgänger of Jayne Mansfield (who, incidentally, is also among us, but in a different department). Mediocrity depends on context and is not to be confused with a sweeping average across the entire population. One group of people may have standards which interpret mediocrity far above or below the potential of another group. (Considering the creative and intellectual level that Satan has observed among the members of the “mutual admiration society” of Anton LaVey’s legacy, Satan is confident that Mr. LaVey remains the one-eyed king of the blind.) Anton LaVey was at the very least aware that mediocrity is not going away in the near future, and saw no other solution than isolationism, with space ghettos as the only viable answer.

Now, Satan is not certain whether Anton LaVey had been watching Flash Gordon too self-identifyingly given his striking similarity with Ming the Merciless of said space opera or if LaVey had merely given the solution inadequate consideration, because it is impossible for a self-sustaining human society to exist without a highly diverse set of skills.

This finally provides a key insight: everyone is mediocre in all but maybe a few respects. A brain surgeon is layman in the field of rocket science, the rocket scientist is layman in most fields that do not involve space satellites, and both are laymen plumbers. You are for the vast part mediocre. Mediocrity will not disappear. Any “mutual appreciation society” on some distant moon colony may admire each others’ specific competences all they like, but everyone must be excused for being mediocre on virtually all accounts—and thus mediocrity is inevasibly apologized. This apology violates Anton LaVeys cardinal formula for a better world, but unless it is granted, it is tantamount to equipping each human being with an original sin with no redemption or escape, simply for being human. It is a pipe-dream to believe that mediocrity can be averted save by death or by withdrawing to the insanity of a mind that has closed itself against the reality of the world.

Satan is not convinced that space ghettos will ever be created save for research purposes and expects that even in the best case scenario the exodus will be reserved for those who currently can afford to own private islands in the tropics. There is no salvation waiting in the sky for the Devil’s followers, because none of them will find themselves entitled to an interstellar den. The Devil does not personally care. His Infernal Majesty is content as long as the planets contain a Hell and orbiting or traveling space stations include a section below deck that is decorated with brimstone, sulphorous lakes, and molten rock.

Mediocrity thus being the rule that describes each and everyone of you humans, and space ghettos solving nothing (if ever they be constructed), Satan thinks that one’s opinion on the merits of mediocrity is utterly pointless. The question is how to deal with it right here, and right now.

Everyone is mediocre, and the only immediate reaction that makes sense is the ultimate apology in the shape of a complete recognition and acceptance of this fact of human life and interaction. Satan is inclined to say that humans apologize too little for their shortcomings when they act as if just one proficiency entitles them to an opinion on matters that lie beyond their comprehension, or when they bully people with genuine skill out of their positions. The only proper reaction to such pretentiousness is to understand that everyone is naturally apologized for mediocrity and then move anyone who speaks outside of his or her skill areas out of focus—by force, if necessary.

Satan thinks it is through the acknowledment that all humans are mediocre and excel in very limited areas only that corrective action may be taken to place people of skill into their various areas of expertise, and to prevent people from meddling in those affairs where they know as little as everyone else. This cannot be left to laissez faire governance. One might, for example, assume that some social media playform will regulate itself according to likes and dislikes and eventually reach a desired level, but nothing could be further from the truth … unless the desired level is the lowest common denominator where only mediocrity reigns. Instead, the needed regulation requires heavy interference from people who dare to acknowledge when a person is operating outside of one of his or her fields of incompetence. It is the very opposite of allowing water to find its own level. Water that finds its own level is the deluge that washes away landmarks and distinctions and eventually becomes stale and rotten. Water that is carefully controlled and protected as necessary as a valuable resource, however, is a powerful tool.

Satan thinks there was no evidence of a “Satanic age”

Posted on by A lesser demon

In The Satanic Rituals, Anton LaVey predicted that by the year 2000, Christ would have become a “well-known folk myth.” Satan was delighted by LaVey’s optimism back in 1972 when the book was published but thinks that today it is safe to suggest that the black pope’s optimism was unwarranted. The Devil is not certain why Anton LaVey made such a bold forecast. Perhaps he overrated the importance of his newly established The Church of Satan with unbridled disregard of the Balance Factor, but LaVey may have genuinely believed that the contemporary zeitgeist heralded a new age of reason and human-centered progress.

After all, Anton LaVey explained in some detail in The Satanic Bible that he had evidence of a new, Satanic age: Anton LaVey had observed that modern Christianity is unlike Christianity of old and that Christians today largely revel in the Seven Deadly Sins, think of themselves, are materialist, and otherwise behave as Anton LaVey claimed “the Satanist” does. His logical conclusion was that Christianity was dying, and that the very name “Christianity” should therefore be abandoned. People should recognize that they had already found a name for their modern practices: Satanism.

Satan is flattered that His name was proposed as the denomination for this new age but my Master had rather hoped for a little more. His Infernal Majesty does not feel content that all that is ostensibly asked is to say “Satanism” instead of “Christianity” and to admit it. In fact, the Devil is offended by Anton LaVey’s recommendation. Satan disagrees with Anton LaVey’s very premise that there is any evidence of a “Satanic age” and refuses to have His infernal name sullied by being assigned the followers of His mortal enemy.

It is true that Christianity today is nothing like the original cult, and even early Christianity evolved quickly. Had someone decided to better call Saul of Tarsus back from the dead after two or three centuries, he would probably not have recognized the religion that he founded. Yet, it would nonetheless be Christianity, in a form that had followed the times. Religions always follow the times. They do not replace themselves with something else as they evolve. Religions are not static phenomena. They stay “alive” by changing, not in a desperate attempt to survive but as a root component of society. However Christianity has manifested itself throughout its two millennia, at any random point in time this would be just how and what Christianity was. It never ceased to be Christianity, nor did it become more or less “true” Christianity over time. Less authentic, perhaps, but not necessarily “less Christian.” Like a monster that keeps sprouting new limbs and developing new abilities until eventually it is irreconcilable with its original form, it is nonetheless the same organism, and so are religions.

Had Anton LaVey’s request that Christianity shelve its name for having evolved had any merit, all religions would have changed their names numerous times throughout History. Satan thinks that Anton LaVey’s demand that religions either stick to their original form or die (by renaming themselves) reveals a fundamental lack of understanding of the nature of religion, which he so often criticized.

What Anton LaVey observed was fully legitimate Christianity that was no less deserving of the name than during its original teachings. The only evidence Anton LaVey found was that Christianity was still very much alive and well. When Anton LaVey realized that Christians did not behave “like Christians,” hence being “Satanists,” he did not think to first question his own standards of measurement as would any researcher: if only few Christians matched his personal interpretation of Christianity, the obvious conclusion would have been to conclude that his definition of Christianity was too exclusive, not that Christians had become a rare breed and Christianity was dying.

The Devil is not much for enveloping Himself in Christian theology but He knows to study His enemy, and He thinks LaVey made an additional mistake when he described Christians and Christianity. Satan thinks that in addition to the above, Anton LaVey missed another key element.

There are literally tens of thousands of Christian groups and organizations who all disagree and each considers themselves to be the best kind of Christianity. They are so diverse that no catch-all definition encompasses them all. Anton LaVey spent a little less than 2,000 words describing Christianity before leaving the topic to rail against “white” witchcraft in order to distinguish his take on occultism from the already widespread interest in it in the 1960es. If one truly wishes to describe Christianity as a singular structure, 2,000 words involve far too much detail. One can say little more than that the religion has some concept of a “God,” usually incorporates some idea of Jesus, and often applies some interpretation of the Bible; and that is all. It is impossible to make a sweeping definition of how their god (or gods) and their scripture is being perceived, interpreted, and used.

Anton LaVey may have witnessed nuns who satisfied his fetish by deliberately revealing a piece of thigh, but in his indulgent observation he forgot that other nuns would never permit such perversion. For all the Devil knows, Anton LaVey might have stumbled upon a precursor to the Children of God‘s use of “flirty fishing,” which on the one hand was Christian behavior (according to the Children of God), and on the other hand did not exemplify Christians as a whole. It is not valid to conclude, as he did in The Satanic Bible, that Christianity is taking one direction or another based upon such an observation.

There is no such thing as true Christianity, or even anything that comes close. In fact, there is no such thing as false Christianity. Christianity is as Christians do, no more, no less, and there are literally billions of different Christians. Only God can judge which of the between 30,000 and 40,000 Christian groups is “right,” if any, but alas: God does not exist, leaving no arbiter of Christian correctness. One can observe how Christians within different groups tend to behave but one cannot state with any certainty that one or another “is Christianity.” It is possible to evaluate degrees of authenticity compared with the original, Jewish cult or to evaluate representativeness—for example, the aforementioned Children of God are not particularly representative of Christians—but such evaluations do not express what Christianity is, nor can they propose which kind of Christianity is “true.” Paul the Apostle may have been the original Christian but perhaps the much later Calvinists better understood the will of God? The Catholic Church sports 1,3 billion members but perhaps the about 50,000 Christadelphians got closer to the truth, had there been a god to decide?

Anton LaVey’s first mistake was to think there is such a thing as “true” Christianity—and that it obeyed his personal interpretation—and to conclude that it was being abandoned because he viewed Christians through a lens where he saw what he wanted to see and ignored everything that contradicted his beliefs. His second mistake was to consider Christianity a monolithic entity, leading him to erroneously conclude that Christianity was waning because to him it appeared internally inconsistent. He failed to understand that there are many kinds of Christianity, many of which thoroughly disagree with each other, and that secular behavior in one Christian group neither indicates a general Christian trend nor that Christianity is somehow breaking apart.

This all makes The Evil One a little worried about Anton LaVey’s ability to define Satanism, because whatever Anton LaVey recognized as “Satanism” among Christians turns out to be bona fide Christianity. Satan has only too often heard Christians accusing each other of succumbing to the Devil for not being adequately pious, and finds LaVey playing this age-old Christian shame-game, too. Granted, this is how the Devil was constructed to begin with, but my Master prefers to be the master of His own raison d’être, thank you very much.

Satan originally explained the above in much shorter terms, but we lesser demons must sometimes digest His infernal wisdom and consequently churn out lengthy commentaries before we grasp it ourselves. The crux of the matter is that my Master regrets to inform His followers that He rejects the portion of His bible that discusses “evidence” of a Satanic age. He wants His followers to understand that when they believe that Christians behave “Satanically,” often they have one of two reasons: at best, the follower is observing entirely generic human behavior that is shared across all and no religion and thus neither non-Christian nor Satanic. At worse, this follower is still a Christian who does not realize that when he or she approves of other Christians, it is not because other Christians behave Satanically but vice versa.

Satan thinks Satanists are made, not born

Posted on by A lesser demon

If asked, a large number of the Devil’s followers will tell you that they always were Satanists, but that they first realized this when they encountered Satanism one way or another and realized their true nature. They never knew about Satanism and when for no apparent reason they accidentally obtained a copy of The Satanic Bible and decided to spend time reading it, it dawned upon them. Satan is not always entirely convinced by their explanation because some have been fundamentalist Christians for their entire lives until only a few years earlier, and usually when someone later discovers that Satanism was not for them after all, they cease to always have been Satanists. Far be it for the Devil to insinuate that they are lying; He merely hypothesizes that they sometimes apply alternate pasts.

Unlike we Hell-spawned creatures who dwell in the Devil’s reign of chaos, humans are a little conservative in that you require a certain level of consistency to stay sane. It is a social requirement that is deeply embedded in the human brain to expect that people do not behave entirely erratically, and to maintain a steady mental course. People usually do not change spontaneously unless something is very wrong. Convictions, ideologies, values, and morals are malleable but possess a degree of inertia. Any major change, such a politician’s change to another political party or someone’s decision to join a religious movement that they hitherto disagreed with, requires a good explanation which convinces especially themselves. An atheist simply does not become a born-again Christian overnight, for example, without providing some believable and unsophisticated story that supports the change: having met Jesus in one’s dreams is a tried and tested answer that is usually good enough for both believers and non-believers, because although their reaction will differ, they will accept the story as a valid reason.

Anyone who attempts to dig a little into such stories will find that such change typically has a backstory and rarely occurs as fast as told. People have usually shown significant interest prior to their revelations, and their “sudden” change merely marks the day they finally came out of their closets. Satan remembers that when Michael Aquino in 1975 spun his tale of being bestowed with the Fallen Angel’s “infernal mandate,” he had evidently desired it for a while, for example.

Such explanations are conversion narratives, which often follow certain unspoken rules depending on the nature of the target. Each ideology has its own set of expected and accepted narratives. The aforementioned Jesus experience is common among Christians in the US, and politicians whose alliances shift often explain that either the political landscape had moved while they stood their ground, or that they always were at heart what their new party represents.

Those who chose to follow the Prince of Darkness also use conversion narratives that obey certain rules. Satan maintains a strict principle of not showing Himself to His followers, so any narrative that involves His presence is frowned upon in the atheistic, Satanic arena, and will generally not be acknowledged. Even “losing faith” in one’s former religion is often not considered sufficiently convincing, and perhaps reasonably so, says Satan, because that would merely turn this lost sheep atheist.

The gold standard for a Satanic conversion narrative was provided by Anton LaVey, who several times declared that Satanists are born, not made, offering himself as a matchless example who demonstrated demonic tendencies from the day he was allegedly born with a tail. Satanists were unlike the herd; an alien elite in a sea of ordinary people. Satan thinks there is good reason for Anton LaVey’s sentiment because Satan thinks he had Asperger syndrome, which often manifests itself as herd apprehension and extraordinary skills that alienates one. However, the proclamation may also be a corollary of Anton LaVey’s belief in social Darwinism: a statement that Satanists are a breedable race with an iron youth.

Anton LaVey’s stand is regularly echoed by both The Church of Satan and non-affiliated Satanists, and The Church of Satan’s application for active membership still includes questions about the applicants’ biography, including their early childhood, supporting its position that one does not become a Satanist, one is a Satanist and therefore joins the organization. This conversion narrative has prompted Satanists across the entire spectrum to declare that they always were Satanists, only they did not know it, and to identify all sorts of anecdotes highlighting diabolic qualities earlier in their lives.

Satan has not doubt that most of His followers have occasionally exhibited traces of Satanic dispositions but suspects that the same followers could readily, and much more convincingly, identify an equal number of habits contradicting them if they felt so inclined—and they certainly do in those cases where they find it necessary to declare that Satanism was not their thing after all. As any born-again Christian will gladly inform you, everyone has a sinful past, so by carefully ignoring everything that speaks against your claim, anyone can say he was always a Satanist. Satan thinks that for the most part His followers do indeed become Satanists in the same way that anyone else gravitates to a new position and explains the change of mind and heart according to appropriate conversion narratives. A a Satanist, the proper conversion narrative is to make yourself and others believe you always were one whenever you become one.

Satan thinks LaVey stared at goats

Posted on by A lesser demon

If you have paid attention to Hollywood movies and popular literature, you will know that my Master of All Things Evil is a sucker for rituals of destruction and for coercing unsuspecting victims into having sex when their mating signal has not been given, and hence is very happy with Anton LaVey’s rituals that one finds in The Satanic Bible. Satan is a little less impressed with the compassion rituals but understands why some of His followers and whoever knows them feel deserving of self-pity if not euthanasia.

But if there is anything my Master hates more than love, life, and happiness, it is a job performed sloppily. We have lost count of the number of times our Dark Prince has been summoned to a dimly lit room only to find a cheesy replay of the Monty Python sketch where John Cleese hates communists, or to find some wreck who thinks that by masturbating frantically behind fortunately closed doors some woman with taste will catch sexual interest in him. We lesser demons and several of our superiors know, because the Devil often vents his dissatisfaction on us afterwards with a temper that has made some of us very secretly compare Him with Jehova. Very secretly.

Satan is, of course, thinking specifically of the third section of The Satanic Bible entitled “The Book of Belial” where the author, Anton LaVey, explains how to perform Satanic magic, and why this magic works. In brief terms, for those who do not have the book at hand, Anton LaVey explained that by working up strong emotions of hate, compassion, or sexual desire (no, not simultaneously), one concentrates energy that can be directed at a desired (human) target who will be influenced according to the magician’s emotional state. Ritual chambers serve as “decompression chambers” during the rituals and aid in extracting the emotional energy from the magician. In addition, rituals are a therapeutic method that help get emotions “out of one’s system,” because pent-up emotions may be harmful to a person.

If this seems vaguely familiar, it is because none of it was Anton LaVey’s invention. Its origins predate Anton LaVey by several decades. It stems from the late 19th century when modern psychology was still in its infancy. These early psychologists drew heavily from the last big discovery of the natural sciences at the time: thermodynamics. This provided them with a paradigm where emotions were believed to be a form of energy and the human mind a kind of boiler that consumed the energy and turned it into tangible and useful actions provided the mind was healthy and the emotions were under control. If emotions were too strong or the mind could not process the emotions, however, it corresponded to providing too much energy or throttling the boiler output, and pressure would build up with damaging results to the entire system. One would sometimes have to “let out steam,” as humans still say today. Psychological models varied but were all based on the thermodynamics-inspired “energy and boiler” premise.

This paradigm was prevalent well into the 20th century where psychotherapists believed that emotions could be pent-up—that is, “causing pressure”—and had to be vented one way or another. From the 1930es and up until the 1970es, popular culture, too, had learned that this was how emotions worked, and any occultist or therapist worth his salt then knew that emotion and thought were some kind of energy that was somehow transformed into something else via the mind, whether it be sublimation per Freudian teachings or some other outlet. It was widely theorized that one could concentrate mind and emotion and somehow channel an intent towards an external desire, and possibly control the minds of other people.

Soon any therapist, scientist, occultist, hippie using drugs as a mind-enhancing tool, and even certain CIA programs (as was told satirically in the fictional movie The Men Who Stare at Goats) experimented with mind control, and Anton LaVey entered the arena in its heydays. He was neither controversial, novel, or unusual for believing it was feasible, nor was he the first to consider it magic. Anton LaVey mostly rehashed what scientists adhering to the thermodynamics paradigm of psychology still believed to be a possibility. It was not considered magic (nor Satanic), except perhaps that nobody knew how to channel this speculated energy. Occultists attempted with magic, and the CIA performed scientific studies of personnel trying to read each others’ minds, both equally unsuccessful.

In the meantime, unfortunately hampered by Freud’s enormous and regrettable influence on psychology, the science of psychology matured in a matter of decades. The emotional “energy” had been elusive and the human mind had proven to be far more complex than a steam engine, so psychologists eventually realized that the thermodynamics paradigm was fundamentally flawed and had prompted models that were either useless or counterproductive. The old paradigm did not explain a thing, which is also the reason why nobody figured out how to channel energy that does not exist via means that cannot.

Psychologists today know that there is no such thing as emotional energy that can build up and boil the mind as if humans were steam plants. The early psychotherapeutical belief that one should get an emotion “out of one’s system” by focusing strongly on it (as Anton LaVey requires in his Satanic magic) is now known to be detrimental to mental health, and is currently replaced with cognitive behavioral therapy methods that teach patients to work around their so-called mental “schemas” of negative emotions and deleterious behavior.

What Anton LaVey said was generally believed to be true at the time and made sense to include in The Satanic Bible, and Satan thinks he should not be blamed—although had he been a scholar with access to contemporary psychological research he might have discovered that the “pressure cooker” paradigm was already being challenged and stayed alive only because its adherents were not dead yet (as our denizen Max Planck once said), popular culture needing yet another generation’s time for it to fully evaporate. But today the paradigm that was required for Anton LaVey’s model of magic has been abandoned for decades after having been proven by results to be empty fiction. Satan thinks that the outdated paradigm and all its dependent psychological models, Anton LaVey’s thus ill-conceived model of magic included, should be unceremoneously flung into the darkness of other dead ideas.

“But it works! It works for me!” cries the choir in the Devil’s church, and Satan trusts that some of them truly believe so, not merely speaking with misunderstood loyalty towards Anton LaVey and The Church of Satan, which insists that there are no flaws in its scripture. After all, Christians, too, believe that their prayers are heard and have made their god change its mind. They, too, believe that biscuits and wine become flesh and blood at the Catholic communion. They, too, believe that a blessing changes them. Satan thinks that followers of His who believe that Anton LaVey’s rituals work are no different from these Christian churchgoers, and that they should perhaps start going, too, if that is how their minds work.

Satan thinks spiritual might has become right

Posted on by A lesser demon

Back in the early day of the Devil’s church, Anton LaVey spoke of my Master as representing man’s desire for material success and power, and provided numerous examples of people whom he termed de facto Satanists in The Satanic Bible and elsewhere. They were people who had successfully employed the tools of the Devil for their own gains even if they never wanted or dared to admit it.

Ranks in Anton LaVey’s The Church of Satan were intended to reflect the owners’ status in the real world, and Anton LaVey’s 1975 decision to allow members to purchase ranks intentionally reflected their measurable status using money as a metric. Magic, for all of LaVey’s misguided speculation on its benefit to one’s health, was intended to bring real change in the real world, as Anton LaVey explained in not only The Satanic Bible and other official scripture but also numerous times in his column in a US men’s magazine, now available in Letters from the Devil. A magician was not merely in the right place at the right time but consciously and deliberately applied “certain principles” to create things, ideas, or situations which significantly influenced or modified the lives and motivations of great numbers of the world’s people, according to Anton LaVey. It was about manifest power. It was about tangible assets. Satanism was about building measurable and demonstrable might, because might is right.

Satan has observed that something has changed in recent years, however, possibly beginning with some intellectualization among members of The Church of Satan whose scrawny appearance spurred them to argue that the pen is mightier than the sword, and that mind stands above matter. In spite of His marvelous physical impression, Satan treasures mental acumen and heartily recognizes that parts of what Anton LaVey termed “lesser magic” is might in a mostly non-brawny design, so His Infernal Lordship will not argue that. The Devil believes that Anton LaVey never used the term “might” literally but it is nonetheless a somewhat recent phenomenon to find ranking members (including the second High Priest indeed) of The Church of Satan openly suggesting otherwise.

The Horned Almighty would have thought little of it as it seems a rational sophistication of physical might: acts of mentalism, as it were, cause change in the physical world nonetheless, and changing the world for one’s betterment is the ultimate goal. The medium may not be a clenched fist but a political maneuver, but physical change ensues as a result.

The shift that irks my Master (who unfortunately has a habit of taking His frustrations out on we, His humble minions) is that more recently, “might” is becoming an internalized concept to His followers. Satan represents power, influence, capability, and authority—that changes the world around you—not some security blanket that helps His followers cope and manage to be self-confident in the face of adversity, to build self-esteem, or otherwise changing nothing but themselves, as warranted and far overdue as Satan otherwise agrees such improvement usually is.

Satan is all for building one’s self-esteem and self-efficacy, assuming there is something to be proud of, of course, although that is seldom the case. He is just concerned that those who once comprised His army of darkness may have become a self-confidence self-help group with no instructor.

Observing which real-world accomplishments appear to earn one a priesthood or a magistrate title in His church, Satan would wish for many additional degrees in His church high above the magistrate and high priesthood ranks, because the prevalent notoriety of even the highest known ranks within His church is evidently irrelevance. Our Infernal Sovereign is a realist, however, and heartlessly concludes that when His followers sense the uncomfortable truth of personal impotence because nothing proves their mightiness, they seek out convenient falsehoods. Their desire to identify themselves as mighty with nothing to show for it incites them to become spiritually “mighty” instead: being unable to wield power that anyone would notice, they pick an imaginary enemy, fight it, and win. They declare themselves enlightened among equally endarkened minds and individuals among their fellow sheep. They feel they somehow beat an enemy by declaring themselves Satanists and perhaps performing some rituals, sometimes dressing differently, and by having slightly alternative specific interests, and that makes all the difference in the world—to them, and, lamentably, only to them.

They failed to become kings of the world and thus resorted to being kings in their minds. They became their own gods but are gods with no congregation. Like the Christians of old, who first believed that their Messiah would become the legal king of Israel and morphed him into a “king of Heaven” when he was executed to let his followers pretend that their so-called “king” at least held some spiritual and thus inconsequential power, Satan finds that His followers retell this grim story of self-deceit. These followers of my Master’s found strength in Satan in exactly the same way as Christians find strength in Jesus—that is, by turning their inability to make a difference into pipe dreams of possessing power and creating value. The absence of tangible results turned them to spiritual growth instead.

Satan ended His thoughts somewhat abruptly by suddenly quoting Himself from His sermon in The Satanic Bible, because He thinks the rage of His impotent followers on the social media is thus perfectly summarized: Thrice cursed are the weak whose insecurity makes them vile!

Satan thinks someone should ask His church some questions

Posted on by A lesser demon

My Master never attempts to manipulate the minds of His followers although certainly the worshipers of His opponent in the sky tell many exciting tales to the contrary when they flee from responsibility for their own actions. The Devil prefers to encourage His followers to pursue undefiled knowledge through critical thinking and to ask for clarification when they discover incongruity or inconsistency.

If the Devil were to take the role of an honestly curious and truth-seeking follower of His, first He would study before asking, of course, because there are in fact stupid questions. Then, having become familiar with key literature and having evaluated theory according to premise then theory against practice, presumably some questions would arise. The Prince of Darkness would never pretend to put words in the mouths of His followers, but had the Devil been a simple human being wishing to tread the Left Hand Path, He might have liked to receive answers to a few questions such as the following.

In The Satanic Bible, as well as in several other places, Anton LaVey explained that greater magic works by channeling one’s emotional energy into someone else’s mind, and he defends the necessity of rituals by referring to the Freudian model of pent-up emotions. Satan is intrigued by the justice-serving conception that undeserved “surplus” emotional energy in oneself could imaginably be balanced with a corresponding deficiency in a deserving target, but even at LaVey’s time the pressure-chamber model of emotional build-ups had long since been dismissed, and psychologists today warn that ritually or otherwise letting out the steam, as it were, in some mentalized decompression chamber to get pent-up emotions “out of your system” only reinforces the emotions. As for the ability to implant a thought into someone else’s mind using the powers of one’s own, it was still believed well up into the 1970es in certain scientific communities that one should at least not dismiss the possibility of mind control yet, and various armies spent vast amounts of research hours in the attempt. Today, however, this idea has also been entirely rejected. Satan thinks The Church of Satan should be asked whether they still believe in these explanations of Anton LaVey’s on how and why magic works. Satan also thinks The Church of Satan should be explained whether they truly believe there is some “karmic” repercussion to denying the power of magic as stated in the seventh rule of The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth.

Today’s insights from the scientific study of religions (not to be confused with theology) and religious people contradict Anton LaVey’s explanations of how religion functions in The Satanic Bible, and has quite different things to say about how religious people think and behave. This scientific field barely existed when Anton LaVey published The Satanic Bible, but now that better explanations have been found, Satan thinks The Church of Satan should be asked whether it prefers Anton LaVey’s misunderstandings to science.

In fact, an increasing number of elements in Anton LaVey’s writings have become, and are still becoming, outdated and many core observations are today downright contradicted by scientific advances. Satan thinks that The Church of Satan should be asked why it nonetheless considers any revision of Anton LaVey’s writings to be unnecessary, and perhaps in the same vein why Peter Gilmore’s book was added to the organization’s core scripture when, according to The Church of Satan, Anton LaVey provided everything a Satanist needs to know to understand Satanism.

Unbeknownst to most readers of The Satanic Bible and Anton LaVey’s other books, Mr. LaVey expressed vehement opposition to abortion, which he referred to as “murderous deeds” and “senseless annihilation of our unborn children” which would have “a disastrously demoralizing effect on our society” if it were legalized. Satan thinks The Church of Satan should be asked whether it still supports LaVey’s view on abortion.

The “LaVey Personality Synthesizer” of The Satanic Witch seems heavily inspired by William Sheldon’s somatotyping, which was soon dismissed as pseudo-science along with phrenology. Anton LaVey’s model of the core, demonic, and apparent selves was appropriated from Wilhelm Reich’s almost identical model which has never even been considered valid. The very foundation of The Satanic Witch is thus completely broken, and all of the recommendations for seeking out the mark’s “opposite” personality according to the mark’s position on the “clock” are are ill-founded. Satan thinks The Church of Satan should be asked whether it still believes in the principles of The Satanic Witch and their reason for “working.”

Speaking of The Satanic Witch, its premise was the reality of the pre-1970es Northern America where women were highly dependent on men. Today, women have much simpler options, and with significantly higher pay-off, than modifying their attractiveness as accessories to men. Satan thinks The Church of Satan should be asked if they believe the book is still relevant and, if so, why. Satan also thinks that The Church of Satan should be asked how a witch is supposed to manipulate her “quarry” once having gained its attention using the techniques of The Satanic Witch, because the Devil thinks that presumably that would be the most important part of being a witch.

The Church of Satan claims to be non-political. Nonetheless, Anton LaVey said that “[C]onservative organizations will (and already do) find Satanism far more compatible with their doctrines than they now think it to be,” meaning that The Church of Satan’s values are obviously conservative-leaning. Satan thinks The Church of Satan should be asked to explain how political compatibility with politically conservative organizations can be said to be non-political.

Often when someone identifies an issue in Anton LaVey’s scripture that is negated by modern knowledge, seems far-fetched, never seems to be practiced by The Church of Satan’s members, or is otherwise contradicted, the reply usually is that the Doctor was deliberately speaking with his tounge in his cheek. Satan thinks that since it is clearly not evident even to intelligent people when Anton LaVey was being serious, The Church of Satan should be asked which parts of Anton LaVey’s scripture are considered truths to be accepted and which parts are misleading, or at least be asked for instructions on how to distinguish.

There is little to no indication that Anton LaVey himself believed in the Devil, but he (Anton, not Old Nick) has proclaimed that: “many members of the Church of Satan who are mystically inclined prefer to think of Satan in a very real, anthropomorphic way. Of course we do not discourage this, because we realize that it is very important to many individuals to ritualistically conceptualize a well-wrought picture of their mentor or tutelary divinity.” The Prince of Darkness is sincerely flattered but thinks The Church of Satan should nonetheless be asked whether it still officially accepts, and consequently speaks for, proponents of a Christian world-view in which His existence is real.

The Church of Satan has begun to regularly emphasize that scholars of religion agree that the Church of Satan was the first organization to claim the name. Satan has a good idea of who these scholars might be and thinks that The Church of Satan should be asked to provide sources because they would enable students (who obey the Devil’s demand that they study not worship) to learn what else these scholars have to say about who is and is not a Satanic organization and what Satanism is and is not. Satan finds this particularly interesting because He remembers that The Church of Satan once published a memo to its members forbidding them to speak to the perhaps most knowledgeable scholars on Satanism (whom they referred to as “so-called” researchers, not acknowledging their very real authority as scholars in their field) because during their research they had spoken to other Satanic organizations.

The Prince of Darkness prefers to torment His damned souls according to our shortcomings and tips His hat at Anton LaVey’s similar requirement that members of The Church of Satan be anointed to titles reflecting their real world accomplishments. Satan is certain to find that His church be thus represented among the élite, and could imagine that an intelligent follower would ask His church to mention a handful of Satanists who, following the teachings of His church, have made nation-wide success rather than running a sandwich joint, becoming a stripper, or publishing some paperback with a few thousand readers. The Devil imagines that whoever were awarded the highest degrees in His church would be remarkable world leaders, and would ask His church for a few examples of world-dominating Satanic magistrates who moved the world beyond owning a tattoo parlor or a web shop selling sex toys.

Our Black Monarch could surely think of more questions but has no personal interest in any excuses or answers and expects His church to dismiss any questions inquiring for undefiled wisdom as shit-disturbance.

Satan thinks that Anton LaVey has Asperger’s syndrome

Posted on by A lesser demon

Satan disapproves of psychology and its attempts to explain human behavior. He has successfully possessed mankind since the dawn of time, and that should adequately explain human behavior, thank you very much.

He is especially angry with the Freudian disaster which led His esteemed denizen Anton LaVey to both waste much time and to mislead His followers into performing rituals that, if anything, had the opposite effect of their goals. The pressure-cooker model of explanation of pent-up emotions that required release lest they destroy their host was shamelessly stolen from the Devil’s realm of thermodynamics with not a single mention of His infernal name in spite of His being the very force of entropy. The only demon ever to be summoned in the Freudian tradition of LaVey’s rituals would be your mother.

But, the Devil is a pragmatist and finds that communication is key. Resorting to the phraseology of psychology may be a better means of communication than through spasms, froth, and back-masked speech in a growling voice, even if He feels that He deprives Himself of due credit.

Using psychological terms, Satan thinks that his denizen Anton LaVey has Asperger’s syndrome. It is part of the autism spectrum disorder and is characterized by people with the syndrome appearing to function somewhat better than other autists, and generally possessing a superior intelligence. Autists are sometimes found to have savant, or magical or demonic, talent, as He prefers to phrase it, and among the herd, such fine qualities are undesired and considered a diagnosis.

As readers of Blanche Barton’s entirely truthful and in no manner exaggerated biography of Mr. LaVey may remember, she introduces him as remarkably skilled and mentally superior to others, whom he usually chose to avoid, as someone with highly specific interests, and as someone who had difficulties understanding and abiding by social norms. We lesser devils have noted that he speaks with a somewhat narrative voice and often takes on the persona of a character from a movie or a novel. We keep some distance from him, however, half in respect and half because his inability to take proper care of himself would require us to ignore the effects of poor personal hygiene.

The Devil is aware that Mr. LaVey feels a closer relationship with animals than most humans do, and suspects that it is a feature of LaVey’s condition, because Satan has noticed that His autistic denizens exhibit a peculiarly animalesque behavioral bent compared with His legions of “normal” sinners. Their social impairment (as those normal individuals regard any deviation from herd compliance) lead them to interact in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of those who walk on all-fours, and Satan ponders whether perchance autists occupy an evolutionary position somewhere in-between man and other animals. The Devil represents all humans as just another animal species, anyway, and reminds His denizens that His is the hand that wounds and heals.

On a sadder note, even here, in his right element of brimstone and flames, Anton LaVey’s condition exposes him to the same frustrations as any above-ground autist, who wholeheartedly agrees with Jean-Paul Sartre that Hell is other people: autists do not suffer from autism; they suffer from other people, and often develop depressions. Satan is sad to watch LaVey thus suffering fits of depression that can last weeks or months but He is the Accuser, not a psychiatrist.

It is unnecessary to minutely derive LaVey’s entire biography and evaluate it according to the diagnostic criteria for an autism spectrum disorder here. The long story short is that Satan has determined that the diagnosis matches, and that psychologial mumbo-jumbo is unnecessary because the good old word “demonic” suffices.

Satan thinks His followers should boast some more

Posted on by A lesser demon

Satan does not recall demanding the same display of humility from His followers that His opposing gods invariably seem to require of theirs, even if the latter generally ignore the requirement and consider themselves intrinsically superior simply because their gods are better.

My master of all things evil is many things but unfortunately is not omnipresent and must instead rely on reports from His lesser demons and followers. We are, regrettably, not being driven to overwork ourselves informing our infernal master of the excellence of His followers, and He is quite surprised at the low level of bragging he receives from them, too. He would have imagined His alien elite to both stand out from the herd and to loudly flaunt their accomplishments or skills, but rarely sees or hears mention of neither.

The Devil acknowledges that human beings usually repond with humility in recognition of the vast pool of knowledge yet to be gained and mastered once undefiled knowledge has been inflicted upon them, thus transferring them outside the criteria of the Dunning-Kruger effect, but their attendance in His churches and temples nonetheless strikes Him as staggeringly low. All He hears is the fanfaronade of shock value focusing amateur musicians, would-be artists, want-to-be photographers, and won’t-be authors, and perhaps a few nondescript web designers who use their self-taught HTML hacking skills to provide yet another web page telling the “truth” about Satanism as a subconscious approach to developing their own understanding of the subject. The Devil appreciates such web sites, of course, but has stopped reading them as they all seem curiously alike to Him, as if no new thoughts have been manufactured for decades.

Our Dark Majesty cannot help but suspect that perhaps the routinization of the charisma of His denizen Anton LaVey, who had no education, plays a role in this. LaVey’s claim to authority, which consequently became his organization’s claim to authority, was his—in part fabricated, but our King of Lies would never hold that against him—life of carnival performance, thus making feats of entertainment rather than mental agility or academic performance their measure of demonic worth.

Never accepting defeat even if cast into the deepest of pits, the Devil believes, in spite of evidence to the contrary, that a good deal of His followers are found in the fields vital to the construction of artificial human companions, both directly in physics, chemistry, biology, engineering, and mathematics, and somewhat indirectly in psychology, sociology, philosophy, and anthropology. These fields have more exact definitions and requirements to quality than the aforementioned arts (a term which Satan uses somewhat benignly about His followers’ works) and deal particularly harshly with empty posturing, so Satan has no doubt that their enthusiastic announcements be somewhat curbed. His Unholiness would, however, be very pleased to find an occasional scholar or highly intelligent individual among His followers and asks them to please brag a little and mention His name as a token of respect.