Satan thinks His Bible has two secrets

Posted on by A lesser demon

It has been over twenty years since Anton LaVey reminded the Devil’s followers that every grimoire has a secret, the remainder being mere padding that is inspirational at best if the secret is overlooked. Satan already knew that the secret of The Satanic Bible was the Balance Factor, the dark force in Nature, of course, but He figures it was a good idea of Anton LaVey to mention it, especially because everyone seems to have missed it to the degree of passionately intending to prove it wrong.

What Mr. LaVey did not tell my Evil Master’s followers is that another dark secret lurks within the pages of The Satanic Bible, a secret that has less to do with Satanism than with organizing and controlling the herd, making it a truly magical book. It is, perhaps ironically, a section that Mr. LaVey himself did not write and which the astute reader of The Satanic Bible may have noticed has changed between published editions. In addition to the price tag, that is.

The Satanic Bible contained an introduction by Burton H. Wolfe which was used in the 1969-1972 edition and in a revised version in the 1976-2005 edition when, for obvious reasons true to Orwellian standards of historical revisionism, Michael Aquino’s 1972-1976 introduction was removed by The Church of Satan‘s Ministry of Truth and henceforth not mentioned. The current edition of 2005- includes an introduction by Peter Gilmore. As you have probably realized by now, Satan thinks the second secret of The Satanic Bible is indeed its introduction.

Our Dark Lord realizes that His followers are often not the reading kind so He asks this subdued demon of yours to explain. Most introductions provide a review or a recommendation, an historical outline, perspective, or background. The introductions to The Satanic Bible do this to some degree, but all versions—least in Mr. Aquino’s version and most in Mr. Gilmore’s version—focus on the remarkable life of Anton LaVey. The introductions reveal that Anton LaVey was a carnival showman whose street smarts outperformed any businessman and whose observant eye of a con artist beat any psychologist. Working in forbidden careers, he saw the hidden truths of human nature and learned the secrets of mankind. He learned what could not be taught. He was a Satanist by example, the proto-Satanist that future Satanists would all measure up against.

At least that is what the introductions purport. The Devil would never wish to belittle our esteemed fellow denizen but in colder blood, Mr. LaVey was a school drop-out who never held a real job and huddled his way through life, was supported by his parents, never received an education, and eventually died in poverty, failing to be the embodiment of magical power that he is made out to be. He was a colorful figure in the brief, early heydays of The Church of Satan, but his days of glory lasted only few years. Now, Satan would like to emphasize that this is meant only to put things into perspective. The Prince of Darkness truly has the fondest feelings for Mr. LaVey, whom He believes was a grand person who deserved much better than he was granted in life, and the Devil wishes everyone to understand that in spite of LaVey’s failure to demonstrate an ability to practice as he preached, as it were, the road to Hell is in fact paved with good intentions, and Anton LaVey proudly walked down that road in the end. The Devil thinks that often it is genius that merely points the direction, and He does not require genius to also walk the talk: Maxwell never understood the implications of his equations, and Mozart received a pauper’s funeral. Satan fully acknowledges Anton LaVey’s contributions without requiring a convincing demonstration on his part.

This is all good or bad, depending on perspective, so let me, the Devil’s servant, explain the secret: the introduction serves to establish Anton LaVey’s authority as someone who could legitimately define Satanism. Anton LaVey was intelligent but he was no scholar who could draw on academic training and had no experience in scientific method and formal research; any scientifically trained eye can see this in how he argued and drew conclusions. He could not refer to any predecessor. He could not call on the blessings of a Devil that he did not believe in. In fact, he had no claim to authority at all and was forced to concoct a charming story to make himself seem interesting enough to warrant attention because all else would fail. Hence, he embellished his life story, omitting mistakes here and adding desirables there, turning a personal interest in music into an orchestral career and transforming a fascination with the Police into a formal employment in its grimmer departments. Borrowing feathers is one of the oldest tricks in the book on lesser magic, and it still works wonders: lacking all authority, Anton LaVey manufactured the story that he was a Satanist by example, thus making him worth paying attention to. He faked his resume to obtain an infernal mandate, and the The Lord of Lies granted it as an indisputable formality.

Some of Satan’s followers read the introduction of The Satanic Bible and nodded charitably when they effortlessly called Anton LaVey’s bluff, but they kept an open mind and were for the most part pleasantly surprised by Anton LaVey’s opinions and reflections and pardoned him his oversights, excessive generalizations, contradictions, and unintentional ambiguities throughout the book, just like they found his many tounge-in-cheek statements to be an enjoyable read. Depending on their education, they might have recognized that he lacked the necessary tools which a formal education would have provided him with and were able to fill in the blanks, read between the lines, and decide what to keep and what to discard. Satan thinks it is probably these readers who could discern between the truths and the lies in the book that Anton LaVey cautioned against in his preface, and who discovered the first secret of The Satanic Bible on their own.

Other followers read the introduction and were deeply fascinated with Anton LaVey to the point of describing him as the father they never had. Satan thinks that these people were rather had by Mr. LaVey instead. They judged the contents of The Satanic Bible not on the merits of thought but by their fascination with Anton LaVey’s made-up persona. They are a fan club, personality cultists, and herd matter. The more power to Anton LaVey, says Satan, and does not wish to share his thoughts about these followers.

Those who saw right through the yarns spun by Anton LaVey did not lose respect for him, mind you. Satan thinks they are probably accomplished magicians who recognized another warlock, just like a shrewd negotiator appreciates the skills of a bargaining colleague, and they smile wryly at the LaVey fan club knowing that one sorceror can bewitch the other.

Yet, the importance of Anton LaVey’s biographical narrative cannot be overstated, because it provides The Church of Satan with its only authority as an arbiter of the meaning of Satanism. The organization owns The Satanic Bible as its only authoritative document, and in turn its authority rests on its author possessing the authority to define Satanism, leaving The Church of Satan deeply dependent on Anton LaVey’s charisma; he is practically synonymous with The Church of Satan. Any erosion of Anton LaVey’s authority weakens the organization, and it is the reason why so many detractors of The Church of Satan target Anton LaVey when they attack the organization. It explains why Nicholas and Zeena Schreck, then in the Temple of Set, compiled their infamous “truth and legend” document about Anton LaVey: the document served to harm The Church of Satan by proxy by undermining Anton LaVey’s authority by sabotaging his narrative. Michael Aquino had claimed that the Devil had revoked Anton LaVey’s infernal mandate and in some sense, Mr. Schreck’s and Ms. LaVey’s document helped revoke the infernal mandate that Anton LaVey’ narrative had provided. Some of the statements in the document are merely accusational but a significant number of them are convincing, and Peter Gilmore, in his introduction to The Satanic Bible, found it incumbent on him to counter with an explanation that the list has some merit but did not overall dismantle Anton LaVey’s being a Satanist by example—his authority still being critically required.

The Church of Satan stresses that it is not the person but his teachings that should be considered, but Anton LaVey’s charisma permeated The Church of Satan from the very beginning and still lingers. One needs only visit its web site or listen to any interview to understand the importance of Anton Lavey’s continued presence in the organization. Satan realizes how this is going to sound, but He thinks it is always LaVey this and LaVey that, and wishes that His followers would think a little of Him, too. In 2018, Church of Satan aesthetics is still thoroughly inspired by Anton LaVey’s pre-1960es imagery, music, and standards of beauty, with everyone attempting to satisfy Anton LaVey’s personal taste as he described it. Peer recognition in The Church of Satan is gained through compliance with Anton LaVey’s showmanship genres: writing, painting, constructing dolls or sculptures, hosting some radio channel, playing music, etc. (sometimes even skillfully) but rarely by demonstrating accomplishments in the cerebral areas of teaching, scientific research and publishing, etc. that are outside of Anton LaVey’s demographic background. Intellectual display is still limited to the level of Anton LaVey’s unlearned reading which separates the cocksure student from those who know. The Devil doesn’t mind such lowbrow activites at all but would like to remind His followers that while such tactics have directed the decisions of which tavern to visit for a drink and a brawl, History is changed by magicians who are not stuck in the early last century.

Satan thinks vegans have a point

Posted on by A lesser demon

Satan agrees with vegans and vegetarians on one of their chief arguments: it is less expensive—both financially and ecologically—to live on plant matter than on meat, even if accounting for the required haulage of seasonal products that were generally unavailable a century ago in order to satisfy the nutritional needs of a human being. The Devil does not wish to discuss obviously untenable or plainly stupid arguments; for example, there is no reason to debate that Man is biologically an omnivore not a herbivore.

Yet agreement is one thing, caring is another. The latter turns the ecological fact into a moral question, and the Devil asks His followers a few rhetorical questions: are humans unconcerned about the future for vast population groups including their own? Are humans willing to live on a polluted planet, and can they look themselves in the eyes knowing they leave an exhausted Earth to their offspring? Do humans believe that a reduced production of meat should be permitted? The vegan answer is no, and disagreement with them is impossible without either being ignorant or feeling guilty. (The latter option being reserved for humans, of course, as Satan has no idea what it means.)

But, acknowledging the validity of one moral argument is a slippery slope, and allows the vegans to present another moral argument, which is perhaps their primary argument: how can humans, living and feeling beings, justify killing and devouring other living and feeling beings? Why do humans find it dandy to eat cows but not each other?

Meat eaters sometimes argue that other carnivores and omnivores usually have preferences, too, and usually do not eat their own species; however, this does not necessarily apply to humans, who might be one of several exceptions. Humans have eaten only certain species for as long as we can remember but that is a naturalistic argument, and vegans are correct when they state that humans have the capacity to make a choice, as humans have done in other areas of their biological history; for example, when they take medicine.

Humans who eat the flesh of other beings genuinely have some explaining to do: they do not have to kill animals for food. They choose to do it, and it changes nothing trying to justify the killings by peeping that the animals maybe individually and most likely as a species would meet their destiny more brutally in the fierce struggle for survival in Nature. At best, humans can patch their guilty conscience by killing their prey “humanely” (which Satan thinks sounds a little disturbing, because it reveals human standards for killing each other in cold blood), and thus flaunt your hypocrisy by wanting the dead animals on the one hand but feeling uncomfortable killing them on the other. Vegans see through this hypocrisy and stress that humans do not escape their choice by pretending to be friendly executioners.

Killing animals for food is perfectly legal, and like the ecological view it is a moral choice. It is unnecessary; it is impossible to pretend otherwise. Satan thinks it would behoove His meat-eating followers to admit that they kill intentionally and harm the planet merely to satisfy their own culinary pleasure. Satan does not personally care what humans eat, however. He is the Devourer of Souls and would never lower Himself to consuming the improper foods of humans.

Satan thinks that by their sins shall ye know them

Posted on by A lesser demon

My Master strongly urges His followers to disbelieve any claim that any god makes about itself, its religion, or its followers. And while He is at it, He also urges His followers to disbelieve any claims the gods make about each other, their religions, or their followers. They all take credit for human behavior that would otherwise have wiped the species from the face of the planet had not humans figured it out entirely on their own already, and they all blame each other—but more often my Master—when their ill-wrought plans invariably go haywire.

There is one exception to the above: the gods make the religious equivalent to a Freudian slip when, observing their followers, they declare certain types of human conduct to be sins and respond with ordinances and statutes intended to prevent their followers from committing them.

Sins are the dirty laundry aired in full view. Unlike other religious gobbledygook the sins were not invented; no, says the Devil, what became sin is what the followers actually did to an excessive degree. Sins are the warning label that Satan thinks His own followers be wise to read and remember when they encounter a follower of his enemies’. If it is a Buddhism sin to possess an ego, expect your average Buddhist to be egoistic above average. If Christianity views adultery as a sin, keep an eye on your daughter if she mingles with conscientious Christians. If Allah forbids his Muslim followers to feel pride, know that a Muslim will respond especially hostilely when insulted. Jehova identified an impressive array of punishable mistakes made by his desert people that makes one realize that their managing to feed and to procreate without genetic starvation must have involved the help of friendly neighboring tribes. Satan has no specific recommendations regarding the Jews, who realize that faced with such a wealth of options for sinning, sinning is an inevitable part of life and thus the Jews seem less prone to being subconsciously obsessed with actually trying.

Religions evolve along with Society, though, and Satan cautions that millennia-old sins should be taken with a grain of salt and be trusted somewhat losely. The Devil thinks that His followers should grant the followers of old religions some benefit of doubt if they seem moderate in their beliefs. Conversely, the lists of sins of younger religions are perfectly up to date. If the Devil heard of a religion established within the last century or two which had identified traits such as stupidity, counter-productive pride, self-deceit, etc. as its sins, He might like the religion but would conclude that its followers were mostly a sorry bunch of self-inflated, juvenile know-nothings.

Satan thinks the Fifth Satanic Statement isn’t

Posted on by A lesser demon

The Devil confirms that He is not known for turning the other cheek, but although the Fifth Satanic Statement describes this one of the character traits of our Lord of Evil, He fails to understand what makes this statement specifically Satanic. Satan also needs to visit the men’s room but finds no Satanic Statement declaring that He represents relieving the pressure from the inner wall of his bladder instead of perishing according to the legend of Tycho Brahe’s untimely demise; and washing His hands afterwards instead of helping spread disease would seem appropriate to mention as well.

My master suspects that the mention of His reluctance to turn the other cheek was intended for the target readers of The Satanic Bible as an attempt to contrast Him against Christianity. These readers, being mostly indoctrinated Christians, would be inclined to believe that Christianity considers turning the other cheek to be among their values. After all, their story book tells how their god’s son preached this behavior although it disaccordingly relates that he got fairly violent the first time he met with conflict. The Devil gives the fellow some credit, however, firstly because starting the fight, as reportedly he did, he had not yet been smitten on the one cheek, and secondly because turning the other cheek seems like an excellent thing to convince your opponents they should do.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. Satan has observed that Christians turn the other cheek no more often than other people. If anything, Satan thinks that there are few as vengeful, bloodthirsty, petty, resentful, merciless, wrathful, and war-hungry as Christians regardless of what they might claim or believe about themselves. Satan thinks it is a crime against reason to lead anyone, and most of all the followers of the Prince of Darkness, to believe in such myths by repeating the Christian lies.

Satan thinks that if anyone believes that His foe represents turning the other cheek, they can kiss His other cheeks.

Satan thinks that Anton LaVey has Asperger’s syndrome

Posted on by A lesser demon

Satan disapproves of psychology and its attempts to explain human behavior. He has successfully possessed mankind since the dawn of time, and that should adequately explain human behavior, thank you very much.

He is especially angry with the Freudian disaster which led His esteemed denizen Anton LaVey to both waste much time and to mislead His followers into performing rituals that, if anything, had the opposite effect of their goals. The pressure-cooker model of explanation of pent-up emotions that required release lest they destroy their host was shamelessly stolen from the Devil’s realm of thermodynamics with not a single mention of His infernal name in spite of His being the very force of entropy. The only demon ever to be summoned in the Freudian tradition of LaVey’s rituals would be your mother.

But, the Devil is a pragmatist and finds that communication is key. Resorting to the phraseology of psychology may be a better means of communication than through spasms, froth, and back-masked speech in a growling voice, even if He feels that He deprives Himself of due credit.

Using psychological terms, Satan thinks that his denizen Anton LaVey has Asperger’s syndrome. It is part of the autism spectrum disorder and is characterized by people with the syndrome appearing to function somewhat better than other autists, and generally possessing a superior intelligence. Autists are sometimes found to have savant, or magical or demonic, talent, as He prefers to phrase it, and among the herd, such fine qualities are undesired and considered a diagnosis.

As readers of Blanche Barton’s entirely truthful and in no manner exaggerated biography of Mr. LaVey may remember, she introduces him as remarkably skilled and mentally superior to others, whom he usually chose to avoid, as someone with highly specific interests, and as someone who had difficulties understanding and abiding by social norms. We lesser devils have noted that he speaks with a somewhat narrative voice and often takes on the persona of a character from a movie or a novel. We keep some distance from him, however, half in respect and half because his inability to take proper care of himself would require us to ignore the effects of poor personal hygiene.

The Devil is aware that Mr. LaVey feels a closer relationship with animals than most humans do, and suspects that it is a feature of LaVey’s condition, because Satan has noticed that His autistic denizens exhibit a peculiarly animalesque behavioral bent compared with His legions of “normal” sinners. Their social impairment (as those normal individuals regard any deviation from herd compliance) lead them to interact in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of those who walk on all-fours, and Satan ponders whether perchance autists occupy an evolutionary position somewhere in-between man and other animals. The Devil represents all humans as just another animal species, anyway, and reminds His denizens that His is the hand that wounds and heals.

On a sadder note, even here, in his right element of brimstone and flames, Anton LaVey’s condition exposes him to the same frustrations as any above-ground autist, who wholeheartedly agrees with Jean-Paul Sartre that Hell is other people: autists do not suffer from autism; they suffer from other people, and often develop depressions. Satan is sad to watch LaVey thus suffering fits of depression that can last weeks or months but He is the Accuser, not a psychiatrist.

It is unnecessary to minutely derive LaVey’s entire biography and evaluate it according to the diagnostic criteria for an autism spectrum disorder here. The long story short is that Satan has determined that the diagnosis matches, and that psychologial mumbo-jumbo is unnecessary because the good old word “demonic” suffices.

Satan thinks His followers should boast some more

Posted on by A lesser demon

Satan does not recall demanding the same display of humility from His followers that His opposing gods invariably seem to require of theirs, even if the latter generally ignore the requirement and consider themselves intrinsically superior simply because their gods are better.

My master of all things evil is many things but unfortunately is not omnipresent and must instead rely on reports from His lesser demons and followers. We are, regrettably, not being driven to overwork ourselves informing our infernal master of the excellence of His followers, and He is quite surprised at the low level of bragging he receives from them, too. He would have imagined His alien elite to both stand out from the herd and to loudly flaunt their accomplishments or skills, but rarely sees or hears mention of neither.

The Devil acknowledges that human beings usually repond with humility in recognition of the vast pool of knowledge yet to be gained and mastered once undefiled knowledge has been inflicted upon them, thus transferring them outside the criteria of the Dunning-Kruger effect, but their attendance in His churches and temples nonetheless strikes Him as staggeringly low. All He hears is the fanfaronade of shock value focusing amateur musicians, would-be artists, want-to-be photographers, and won’t-be authors, and perhaps a few nondescript web designers who use their self-taught HTML hacking skills to provide yet another web page telling the “truth” about Satanism as a subconscious approach to developing their own understanding of the subject. The Devil appreciates such web sites, of course, but has stopped reading them as they all seem curiously alike to Him, as if no new thoughts have been manufactured for decades.

Our Dark Majesty cannot help but suspect that perhaps the routinization of the charisma of His denizen Anton LaVey, who had no education, plays a role in this. LaVey’s claim to authority, which consequently became his organization’s claim to authority, was his—in part fabricated, but our King of Lies would never hold that against him—life of carnival performance, thus making feats of entertainment rather than mental agility or academic performance their measure of demonic worth.

Never accepting defeat even if cast into the deepest of pits, the Devil believes, in spite of evidence to the contrary, that a good deal of His followers are found in the fields vital to the construction of artificial human companions, both directly in physics, chemistry, biology, engineering, and mathematics, and somewhat indirectly in psychology, sociology, philosophy, and anthropology. These fields have more exact definitions and requirements to quality than the aforementioned arts (a term which Satan uses somewhat benignly about His followers’ works) and deal particularly harshly with empty posturing, so Satan has no doubt that their enthusiastic announcements be somewhat curbed. His Unholiness would, however, be very pleased to find an occasional scholar or highly intelligent individual among His followers and asks them to please brag a little and mention His name as a token of respect.

Satan thinks that gun control is a good idea

Posted on by A lesser demon

His Infernal Majesty prefers to think of his followers as responsible people who should accordingly be granted an appropriate level of responsibility. People have the right to defend themselves against assaults on themselves, their property, or their loved ones, and the Devil fondly considers his followers to be particularly deserving of both their right to exercise it and to retaliate preemptively if need be. As such, He favors their right to own and use any array of their weapons of choice.

This leads our Dark Lord to favor a relaxation of the control of deadly weapons to the point of allowing unlicensed personal ownership of weapons of mass destruction, including a wide variety of warfare material banned by the Geneva Conventions, for His devoted followers. After all, Satan represents responsibility to the responsible, and His followers being just that will know when and how to employ their arsenals, and when to (seemingly!) turn the other cheek.

The Prince of Darkness recognizes that the world is packed with people who wouldn’t exhibit the slightest sense of accountability even at gunpoint, however, and concedes that he is literally outgunned by hordes of immensely irresponsible individuals. He understands that guns should be kept out of the hands of the vast majority of irresponsible humans who incidentally, or perhaps only too predictably, are also mostly followers of His mortal foe. The Devil thinks that until His followers comprise a sweeping majority of the population, ownership of weapons should be strictly restricted and carefully controlled, and the herd should be subjected to control above trust, and razzia above control.

Satan is worried that some of His followers might be projecting their reactions, responses, and sensibilities onto people far less attuned than themselves—especially because those of His followers that oppose gun control match the demography of the aforementioned religious followers of His foe almost to a tee.

Satan thinks you should hear His thoughts

Posted on by A lesser demon

The Devel prefers to keep His diabolical thoughts to himself, in part because they happen to be oriented towards his earthly pleasures such as food, regarding which Satan believes that one should not impose one’s culinary preferences or specialties onto others lest they become religious dietary restrictions on items such as shellfish or pork.

He has begun to consider the option that perhaps a thought or two should be shared with his minions, however, and may ask a lesser and mostly unknown demon in His infernal realm to write an occasional remark or two here.